# Jan Excuse thread



## ttug (May 14, 2004)

With the 2005 TDF coming. I wanted to start a thread that would contain the excuses Jan will have this year for losing. I will oprovide my faves and those who wish may also chime in in the long sad train wreck of Jans quest.

1)Weight
2)Stomach (not related to weight, flu etc etc)
3)Mental scarring from loss to Marco in 1998 TDF
4)1999, where was Jan? RECOVERING FROM 1998 of course.(CORRECTION, I was wrong here, I accept with utter indignity my own vast vast stupidity and self loathing at forgetting about the Kaiser have yet another malady. I shamefully posted that he was at the TDF in 99. I was wrong wrong wrong.)
5)Mental scarring from loss to Armstrong in 2000 TDF
6)Mental scarring from loss to Armstrong in 2001 TDF
7)Mental scarring from loss to Armstrong in 2003 TDF
8)Mental scarring from loss to Armstrong in 2004 TDF
9)Jan was fisted by the Hulk previous to the 2005 TDF start
10)Gamma Rays (too many, too few)
11)Bad Ecstasy causes reflux during climb
12)Family of Sasquatch kidnap Jan and make him watch old TDF tapes and DVD's including the 98, 99, 2000, 2001, 2003 and 2004 losses.


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## insanebikerboy (Apr 22, 2005)

*If the Hulk...*

fisted me, lord knows I'd be riding like he*l to keep it from happening again? Maybe that's what 'ole Jan needs, a big green hand up the pooper?  I dunno, but either way I hope he does well in the Tour this year! (still won't be able to beat Lance though)


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## Henndo (Feb 11, 2005)

insanebikerboy said:


> fisted me, lord knows I'd be riding like he*l to keep it from happening again? Maybe that's what 'ole Jan needs, a big green hand up the pooper?  I dunno, but either way I hope he does well in the Tour this year! (still won't be able to beat Lance though)


LMAO, you guys are killing me!!!!


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## Dwayne Barry (Feb 16, 2003)

Are these really Jan's excuses or excuses that other people (mainly journalists) make for his performances at the Tour?


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## Old_school_nik (May 21, 2002)

*I don't know but this is a funny thread....*

I am a huge Jan fan and I hate to have this laugh at the expense of him but let me just say that I am having a crappy day at work and this definitely lightened my mood. 

PS sorry to post sucha feel good thread on the "Pro cycling - classics - anger at other members - board "

-Nik
.."fisted by the hulk.....


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## Scot_Gore (Jan 25, 2002)

Jan: "The other teams wouldn't do the work for me. I was all set to sit in the slip stream of the other teams and take the stage, but they kept dropping behind me forcing me into the wind. If the other teams would stop insisting that I do my share of work at the front I could have won."


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## bikejr (Jul 30, 2004)

*....*

Then there's the I'm just not quite fit enough to close the deal...

Wait that might have been the real reason, not an excuse... 

Never mind...


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## ttug (May 14, 2004)

*possible*



Dwayne Barry said:


> Are these really Jan's excuses or excuses that other people (mainly journalists) make for his performances at the Tour?


IMO, I believe that Jan is a class act and most, not all, but most of the reasons presented are mindless speculation by the media. The Hulk reason, was, to the best of my knowledge, NOT offered by the media. At least until the Register sent Jack McGee over. He is convinced that the Hulk is really a man who transforms into this large green creature of incredible strength. 

Coincidentally, there was a Weekly World News article entitled "I was Bigfoots Love Slave" which could lend some shred of support to the sasquatch family kidnapping Jan scenario offered above. Indeed, I was bolt upright in my chair after reading The Weekly World News further vignettes about female big foot hookers. Its possible. Really.

However, in a larger scheme as it were, the passage of years and repeated losses has left a bit of a credibility gap on the part of certain folks who have (IMO) a skewed perspective. First, certain other riders (usually named Lance) have a "terrible" one day race record. Same guy also cherry picks the TDF. Meanwhile, hard working, oft overweight, emotionally fragile, gifted cyclist dude (Jan) does not seem to be able to get it together after 1998. (We will recall 1998 with a moment of silence or the year of Marco)

MEANWHILE

Same folks above, wait on the edge for Jan to take the TDF. So, every TDF from 1998 on is not really valid until Jan wins the TDF. THUS, the world of cycling will achieve a balance


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## Asiago (Jan 28, 2004)

*donuts*

"somebody on the side of the road handed me a melatonin-laced donut and 20 minutes later my legs were dead and I couldn't follow the attacks on the col de la cratered..."


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## magnolialover (Jun 2, 2004)

*Yo, check the facts...*



ttug said:


> With the 2005 TDF coming. I wanted to start a thread that would contain the excuses Jan will have this year for losing. I will oprovide my faves and those who wish may also chime in in the long sad train wreck of Jans quest.
> 
> 1)Weight
> 2)Stomach (not related to weight, flu etc etc)
> ...


Umm, Jan didn't lose to Armstrong in 1999. He wasn't on the start line that year. Zulle finished 2nd that year. Come on now. Keep up please. And he can't have a mental breakdown for losing to Marco. He was a doper. Then again, Jan did come up in the East German sports machine. They LOVED to dope across the Iron Curtain.


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## ttug (May 14, 2004)

*crimson fisted*



magnolialover said:


> Umm, Jan didn't lose to Armstrong in 1999. He wasn't on the start line that year. Zulle finished 2nd that year. Come on now. Keep up please. And he can't have a mental breakdown for losing to Marco. He was a doper. Then again, Jan did come up in the East German sports machine. They LOVED to dope across the Iron Curtain.


I am caught crimson fisted. Holy cow, I forgot about Jan having yet another lame absence other than 2002. I was indeed wrong. In 1999, the Kaiser was out due to another malady. I would have to of course contribute this to the 98 loss from which he never recovered.....


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## atpjunkie (Mar 23, 2002)

*how bout this one*

1) uh he's a little bit faster than me?


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## ttug (May 14, 2004)

*because*



atpjunkie said:


> 1) uh he's a little bit faster than me?


Because of the ungodly sweats he had fron his trauma in 98, Jan has been dehydrated for 7 years............Thus, he (that Lance Guy (NOT IN 1999)) is a little bit faster. BECAUSE: LANCE does not cry. The chemo melted his tear ducts shut.


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## mohair_chair (Oct 3, 2002)

magnolialover said:


> And he can't have a mental breakdown for losing to Marco. He was a doper.


But he did! Go back and watch stage 15 in 1998. Jan was all but crying that day. Without Bjarne Riis and Udo Bolts he probably would have quit.


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## atpjunkie (Mar 23, 2002)

*honestly*

Jan is a great rider. If LA would have died or quit we'd all be discussing Jan's 5 victories or more. He just happened along when there was on guy better. see Poulidor.


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## ttug (May 14, 2004)

*Ditto with Merckx*



atpjunkie said:


> Jan is a great rider. If LA would have died or quit we'd all be discussing Jan's 5 victories or more. He just happened along when there was on guy better. see Poulidor.


Hey, its very true. However, if nears and buts were beers and nuts we would all be fat drunk people. 

What if Lemond had not waited? What if Ocanu (sp) had NOT crashed on the mountains, Eddy would be short a victory. What if Riis had aero bars etc etc etc 

There is no doub Jan has the goods and the ability. He is a class guy, he has ungodly talent, but lets face it, off season work ethic and the weight battle have not done him any favors...


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## ttug (May 14, 2004)

*what he really meant was.....*



Scot_Gore said:


> Jan: "The other teams wouldn't do the work for me. I was all set to sit in the slip stream of the other teams and take the stage, but they kept dropping behind me forcing me into the wind. If the other teams would stop insisting that I do my share of work at the front I could have won."



Gee, if all of the other cyclists in the TDF (BESIDES 1998) would just drop dead during the race, I could really have a chance........Really.......


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## ttug (May 14, 2004)

*Not True*



mohair_chair said:


> But he did! Go back and watch stage 15 in 1998. Jan was all but crying that day. Without Bjarne Riis and Udo Bolts he probably would have quit.



It was not Marco that made him cry....It was the yellow kleenex they gave him to wipe his nose.


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## ttug (May 14, 2004)

*Hulk Fist*

A picture says a thousand words, run Jan run!!!!!! Think of the damage those fists could do.....


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## ttug (May 14, 2004)

*yet another excuse for 2005*

Jan can claim the emotional duress of the break up with his girl prevented focus on proper training.


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## TommyApplehead (Mar 22, 2005)

You know, judged objectively, he has a great record at the TDF.
He can be proud of the podium finishes he has had. 
So many riders never made it to where he did.
And finally, he can spank your monkey.


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## ttug (May 14, 2004)

*maybe, maybe not*



TommyApplehead said:


> You know, judged objectively, he has a great record at the TDF.
> He can be proud of the podium finishes he has had.
> So many riders never made it to where he did.
> And finally, he can spank your monkey.


While I would love to discuss the further yearnings of **** eroticism expressed in your "reply", I think its best to say that nobody has disputed Jans talent. Jan has an Olympic gold and 2 GT's. Thats a career that many cyclists dream of.

I would point out that he also displays, with equal vigor, an ability to make excuses for not winning GT's. To his credit, he is not a whiner and I do admire that. There is little doubt that Jan would easily win any cycling oriented action versus myself or really 99% of the folks here. That is not the point. The point, again is:

He is the best excuse maker in the business. IMO.


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## Coolhand (Jul 28, 2002)

Forced to ride for horrible clueless DS on a talent killing team?

Rides faster in a green jersey?

Pink bikes make him feel uncomfortable?

Too much pre-race strudel?

Race instructions of "GO FASTER!" too confusing?

Bratwurst flavored Gu packs not a great idea?

Struck by some random "stomach illness" caused by poor training, large mountains and high pace?


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## purplepaul (Nov 21, 2002)

LOL.

Is he supposed to be somewhat dim?




Coolhand said:


> Race instructions of "GO FASTER!" too confusing?


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## ttug (May 14, 2004)

*all valid, except one*



Coolhand said:


> Forced to ride for horrible clueless DS on a talent killing team?
> 
> Rides faster in a green jersey?
> 
> ...


The Go FASTER is the sole property of Spanish Teams.......


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## ttug (May 14, 2004)

*Update on Jan excuse thread*

Per cycling news Jan is now (6/8/2005) attempting to 

"turn his strength into speed."

Anyone else find this a bit familiar?


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## TurboTurtle (Feb 4, 2004)

LOL - "...cherry picks the TDF." What a concept! - TF


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## Fredke (Dec 10, 2004)

Low hematocrit because the only way he can make alimony payments is selling blood to Tyler Hamilton.


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## atpjunkie (Mar 23, 2002)

*Sorry I'm gonna go with*

was faster and more competitive in Celeste. c'mon he could call on the ghosts of Coppi, Pantani, etc... who's gonna help a guy in Pink? Think about it the two great victims
jan and Joseba, both letter J both in Pink, both also rans. coincidence? probably


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## FishrCutB8 (Aug 2, 2004)

"It vas der struedel!!!!"


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## 97 Teran (Feb 17, 2004)

*I've always attributed it to marketing...*

Kobe Bryant became the US spokesperson/spokesadulterer for Nutella around '99, when Ullrich first developed his 'perpetual-underachievement' syndrome. I think he's sore at Kobe for stealing his chocolate...er, thunder.


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## Sintesi (Nov 13, 2001)

Henndo said:


> LMAO, you guys are killing me!!!!


Not sure if that's funny or just plain disturbing.


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## cannondale_boy (May 6, 2004)

*Good One!*

if nears and buts were beers and nuts we would all be fat drunk people. 

GReat Line!


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## ttug (May 14, 2004)

*update for tdf*

Jan excuse for 2005 TDF:

Sarcastic statement to follow:

I had amazing support from my team that rode for me...... 


Translates to 

cyclingnews interview where EVEN HIS OWN TEAM STATES whats important is one of them wears the yellow jersey. Good team.....


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## ttug (May 14, 2004)

*post stage 10 excuse update*

Vino fried his legs and lost several minutes on a climb where I really really needed him......OOOOPS thats what really happened......


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## Alpedhuez55 (Jun 29, 2005)

Did you see the team car he crashed into? He went through the back window. 

That is enough of an excuse for me. I am not a big fan if his. He has made some mistakes in team choice and had a few mental farts which have cost him tours in the past. But he is still the second best all around TDF rider of the past decade, and maybe the best all around cyclist in that time too.


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## poshscot (Dec 14, 2004)

why the hell would he need excuses?

the only reason he hasnt won 5 or so tours is because armstrong is so much better than him, and every one else for that matter.

i love the way you people pick on him when he would kick all your a$$es even with the list of excuses at the start of this thread.

just be thankful that there has been some racing worth watching because of his presence otherwise the tour really would have been a LA procession for the last 7 years.


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## James OCLV (Jun 4, 2002)

atpjunkie said:


> Jan is a great rider. If LA would have died or quit we'd all be discussing Jan's 5 victories or more. He just happened along when there was on guy better. see Poulidor.


Bingo! Easy for us to sit here and criticize a former winner and 4-time TdF runner-up....


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## Einstruzende (Jun 1, 2004)

James OCLV said:


> Bingo! Easy for us to sit here and criticize a former winner and 4-time TdF runner-up....


It's funny to hear Cat 3 racers at our local group ride talk **** about Ullrich. He's too fat, he's too slow, he can't climb.

Yea anyway. He might not be "the best", however he is still in the handful of greatest cyclists riding right now.


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## James OCLV (Jun 4, 2002)

It's like my bald friend criticizing my receding hairline... a friggin joke.


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## Alpedhuez55 (Jun 29, 2005)

poshscot said:


> why the hell would he need excuses?
> 
> the only reason he hasnt won 5 or so tours is because armstrong is so much better than him, and every one else for that matter.
> 
> ...


I am not picking on him. I think he is a better all around cyclist than Lance if you look at the season as a whole. But if you just look at the TDF, Lance is a little better. And if Ullrich had a team built around him, rather than one split between him and Zabel, he have have beat Lance in one of the tours.

But if Jan is not himself this year, that accident may have something to do with it. Try jumping through a rear window of a station wagon and see if you can even ride the at all. I think it is impressive that he is racing at all given the fact that there have to be some injuries there other than the cut on his neck.


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## ttug (May 14, 2004)

*ok*



Alpedhuez55 said:


> I am not picking on him. I think he is a better all around cyclist than Lance if you look at the season as a whole. But if you just look at the TDF, Lance is a little better. And if Ullrich had a team built around him, rather than one split between him and Zabel, he have have beat Lance in one of the tours.
> 
> But if Jan is not himself this year, that accident may have something to do with it. Try jumping through a rear window of a station wagon and see if you can even ride the at all. I think it is impressive that he is racing at all given the fact that there have to be some injuries there other than the cut on his neck.


This particular thread was designed to be a JOKE. Humor.......It is pretty plain to see that Jan has incredible talent. Its plain to see that if anybody even speaks against Jan, they MUSTY love Lance..

Wakey wakey folks. There are just a FEW other riders out there. Given Jans talent, the frustration is valid. It is only that, frustration and thus a FUTILE attempt at humor.

LIGHTEN UP, ITS A BIKE RACE


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## mtbykr (Feb 16, 2004)

*Jan*

Well i think Jan has done better than he should. (yes including today) With all the crap he has gone through: car window, crash sunday resulting in bruised ribs which is great for climbing  , and his moron director giving him crap.....i though he did well today. He did well, but could not keep the blistering pace set by disco and Lance (no one could) he did better than a lot of those "pure climbers" we keep hearing about. He did well today, disco and lance were just rediculous


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## Inspector Gadget (Apr 5, 2002)

*And...*



Alpedhuez55 said:


> Did you see the team car he crashed into? He went through the back window.
> 
> That is enough of an excuse for me. I am not a big fan if his. He has made some mistakes in team choice and had a few mental farts which have cost him tours in the past. But he is still the second best all around TDF rider of the past decade, and maybe the best all around cyclist in that time too.


He crashed two days ago as well. Badly bruised ribs he has now? This thread is hilarious, but his time losses are legit and the guy's luck is just plain Scheisse this year, as is his team's triple threat strategy. Someday T-Mobile will learn to have only one chief. 
Hey, T-Mobile, "Can you hear me now?" Sorry, lame joke.


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