# INPUT: How to not make my wife want to quit



## 24601 (Jul 4, 2005)

I have been cycling for several years now and have tried to get my wife involved several times. We made a few trips to a local trail and rode through the woods (easy flat trail) that she enjoyed, but it was too long of a drive to make it regular. I wanted to buy her a Trek 7.2 or7.3 fx so she could ride around here on the road and stuff, but she wouldn't let me spend the money. I finally found a old similiar frame/fork for $15. She let me buy it. She was going to physical therapy for knee pain and they told her to start riding a bike. Finally she listened to what I had been saying all along.

So, we have the frame. It has been re-painted pink and purple. It will be a flat bar road bike, more of a hybrd I guess. I put more into building it up than I should have (at least as she sees it), but I am willing to do what it takes to get her going. What I am afraid of is that somehow I am going to make her never want to sit on the thing, or stop after she starts.

Part of my concern is comfort. She has never liked any saddle except this giant foam thing on her old heavy MTB. I don't have a saddle specifically for this bike, but I have several old ones she wants me to try. I wanted to get her a sprung Brooks model (I have 3 Brooks, thus the old saddles), but she said it was too much $$. I am seting up the bike very upright with some wider 700c tires. She has been very resistant to bike shorts (she would probably fall in the xxl range, if we can find some at all. (Rant on. It sucks that she, as to me a very normal woman, is forced to be sized into something like that. Why not make the toothpicks wear xxs and let the real women have the large? Rant off.)

My second concern is me. She was so proud of riding 1.5 miles in 10min on the trainer and I sort of giggled. I don't want to be that jerk husband who pushes her to hard. I plan to ride with her on my fixed gear so I can control my speed and what not. I also plan to try local MUTs to be around others.

I love my wife more than anything in the world. She is a spectacular and amazing woman. I want to enjoy this time with her, but I also want her to get the health benefit she needs, especially for her knee. So, women, tell me how to not scare her off. What kept you going if you were prodded into this? What made you feel the money outlay was neccessary, since me all know money is a big part of this hobby?

Thanks for any help guys. I hope to get this thing going in a few days.


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## snapdragen (Jan 28, 2004)

Right now, if she's going short distances, she'll probably be alright without padded shorts/full biker kit. Let her wear what she is comfortable in. I would try to explain that a comfy saddle is one of the most important parts of the bike (imho). Doesn't Wallinford have a return policy - if she hates the Brooks it can be returned. If she loves it - money well spent.

Next - do not ever giggle when she is obviously proud of what she did! My father did/does that occasionally - it really pi$$es me off. Encouragement, encouragement, encouragement!

Send her over to teamestrogen.com - there is a forum there that is 98% women, who will be nothing but supportive and encouraging.


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## JayTee (Feb 3, 2004)

You can also try a Terry Liberator saddle. Pretty soft, cut-out in the middle, doesn't really require much in the way of rider acclimatizing, and pretty good when the rider position is more upright. For women who refuse to try a firm narrow saddle I think it is a good option, and the bonus is that they are only around $35. 

PS -- really teach her how to use her gears. Most new riders will push a huge gear at low cadence and ride like they are doing leg presses, which creates premature fatigue, etc.


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## chatterbox (Nov 19, 2006)

Always always always let her set the pace if you ride together. And do not offer any sort of "coaching" unless she specifically asks for it. If it is something fun that you two do together then it's worth it. But don't ever think that you can maybe get in one of "your" rides in while out with her. 

My husband loves distance rides and approaches riding more as "training." I do not. He needs an end goal or visible improvement. I do not. 

If you are like that, remember that she may not be, and her version of improving/exercising/a good ride may be very different from yours. So the biggest two are: let her set the pace, and DON'T COACH! That, and have fun.


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## orbit (Feb 7, 2007)

24601, you have a beautiful attitude.  

One of the most important things at this stage is to reduce how intimidating you wife finds cycling and to increase her confidence and enthusiasm. So keep it as light and fun as possible. Perhaps try a lateral approach - suggest some rides that contain some sort of “reward element” so that cycling becomes less a health chore for her and more a fun lifestyle thing to do together. Perhaps a short and easy ride that includes a nice lunch at a restaurant - a day trip on the weekend to somewhere you could have a picnic, or go sight seeing. In these early days if there is some gain for her pain, shes more likely to keep at it. Softly, softly is best.


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## TurboTurtle (Feb 4, 2004)

chatterbox said:


> Always always always let her set the pace if you ride together. And do not offer any sort of "coaching" unless she specifically asks for it. If it is something fun that you two do together then it's worth it. But don't ever think that you can maybe get in one of "your" rides in while out with her.
> 
> My husband loves distance rides and approaches riding more as "training." I do not. He needs an end goal or visible improvement. I do not.
> 
> If you are like that, remember that she may not be, and her version of improving/exercising/a good ride may be very different from yours. So the biggest two are: let her set the pace, and DON'T COACH! That, and have fun.


Would like to add: Unless ou have a mirror where you can see her every few seconds, NEVER go in front of her. - TF


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## OverTheRail (Jan 3, 2006)

The best thing you can do is to encourage her. I agree with TurboTurtle, let her set the pace and distance. When I go out with my wife I always wear regular shorts and usually take the MTB, that way I am reminded to keep it at her pace. If she is comfortable and having fun she will want to ride more.


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## mandovoodoo (Aug 27, 2005)

She's really got to be the motivator. My wife says she cycles because she loves it - like flying - makes her feel good. What she says helps her is:

1. Having a bike she can operate. STI road bike.
2. Having a responsive bike that really fits. Especially fit.

Basically, having a tool that really works well. She rides a Fuji professional carbon/aluminum with nice wheels.

She also says not leaving her behind. 

She started with a Raliegh Gran Sport I got at a pawn shop, went through a cute blue bike I got somewhere, gave her matching clothes & helmet as a surprise! Then I got her a stiff as all get out Cannondale aluminum. She loved that, but hated shifting. Bar ends. Then this Fuji with Ultegra really caught her eye, so we got it.

She also says take her shopping for bike clothes & bike stuff. 

So. Now she is the one really training. She is the one planning to go on group rides. She counts on me for training advice and help, teaching sprinting, etc. Getting her to peak for the bigger rides. 

If she didn't want to ride she wouldn't. And I can't make her do it. All I could do was show her how and that it was fun. She also likes the 30 lbs she lost! Every year she is better and better, and I'm older. So we're pretty well matched! 

Most of it seems to be the mind thing. Gianna is so powerful on a bike, more than she knows, but she's waking up into it. Eventually she'll find that snap in her legs and I'll be the one needing help to get home! Once someone gets the poetry of cycling, the rush of setting up for a corner, the feel of that last hill after a day on a bike, racing the rain coming from the SW, feeling the cold gradually pass away as the sun gets higher . . . . 

but to get there, the motivation has to come from within. All you can do is wake it up. I've had two wives with cycling desires.


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## silver7 (Oct 26, 2005)

*Encouragement and bike that fits*

I think a little coaching would be great, actually. My husband taught me how to handle my bike, properly shift and draft. I am the cyclist I am today because of his positive coaching. As others have suggested, when you ride with her, ride with her. Don't push the pace or chase passing cyclists. Definately set up a bike that fits and is comfortable for her and get her the good seat. Then she'll want to ride it. And get her some cool sunglasses, jersey and vest. It's fun to look good on your bike.


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## Spinfinity (Feb 3, 2004)

*what worked in our house*

It's somewhat different since my wife rode a Peugeot as her primary transportation from age 13 to 20 and has unusual natural endurance. A few thinks that worked well.

Talking about stuff other than cycling during the ride. The more we chatted, the more she seemed to look forward to going out again. 

Wear a mirror. About the only thing that exhausted and demoralized Rachel was getting dropped and then hammering because she didn't want me waiting for her. A mirror makes it much easier to keep her on my wheel. 

Setting up two bikes with the same gears so she could emulate my shifting. While she was an experienced rider, back before indexing, she only shifted when her cadence dropped below 60 or went well over 100. Following my shifting helped her until she found her own cadence.

I was seldom successful with positive reinforcement. When she was suffering, "What a miserable effing hill" through clenched teeth was way better received than a cheerful "You're doing great".

Good luck and keep smiling.


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## chatterbox (Nov 19, 2006)

Spinfinity said:


> I was seldom successful with positive reinforcement. When she was suffering, "What a miserable effing hill" through clenched teeth was way better received than a cheerful "You're doing great".
> 
> .



That is so true in just about everything. When you're the slower person, you generally don't want people who are clearly not suffering the way you are to start being all "encouraging." Somehow it never comes across right!


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## 24601 (Jul 4, 2005)

I was able to get the bike together. Everything is looking great except the front derailler. It goes from 1 to 3, skips over the 2nd gear except the shifter is only in 2nd. It won't shift to the 3rd position even though it is in that gear. When I go back down, it just goes to the 2nd, never back to 1st even though the shifter is in1st. I have no idea what to do. The back shifts perfectly!

The rear brake used to be a canti, so there was no rear cable stop (just a guide for the cable to the straddle wire). I had to run a long housing up to the front stop, then create a cable guide from an old bar light clamp and some zip-ties. It looks a bit hack, but it works. I plan to try and find a more permanent solution, hopefully an actual stop to shorten the length of housing. Anyone got a spare bolt on cable stop they would care to donate? 

She likes it but hasn't ridden it yet. I took it around the block but still need to figure out the front derailler.

I will keep all this stuff in mind. I really want this to become part of our time together.

Oh, and she didn't ask for the streamers. They were supposed to be a joke, but she likes them!


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## venus (Apr 27, 2006)

Why would she want to ride?


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## snapdragen (Jan 28, 2004)

I love the streamers!


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## orbit (Feb 7, 2007)

I bet you would have looked a treat riding it around the block with those streamers. Pictures would be good


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## litespeedchick (Sep 9, 2003)

shorts: it's very important to be happy with how you look, and how your dressed, at all times. I fully understand your wife's concerns. However, at least cycling shorts are black and if you get good quality ones, they will hold in any jiggly bits quite nicely. Who cares what the lable says? If xxl ticks her off, cut it out. Get her a jersey with no elastic at the bottom so it doesn't ride up and show any belly fat. If she still feels uncomfortable after trying this, then go for mountain bike "baggies" shorts, or check out the Terry catalog and get her one of those adorable skirts...should go well with the streamers.

But whatever you do, good quality cycling shorts (w/ no underwear) is CRITICAL to comfort on a bike. Some A&D ointment from the drug store baby section doesn't hurt either.

make sure there is a "date" component to your first rides. Lunch, shopping, sightseeing, etc. should follow. 

Other than that, I don't think there are any rules. Some girls like coaching and encouragement, others hate it. Some don't want you to leave them, some will feel uncomfortable if they think they are ruining your ride. You're just going to have to try to read her mood and adjust your behavior. 

OK, I take it back , there are a few rules:

If you decide to ride ahead...WAIT at every conceivable turn in the road...she should not spend any time worrying that you have become separated. That drives me INSANE when I ride w/ my husband. I'm a strong rider w/ good directional skills and can get myself home, no problem. But what I worry about is that HE will spend the rest of the ride freaking-out about what happened to me if we get separated.

In the unlikely event that YOU run into her and she crashes...it is YOUR FAULT. Don't even think about saying it wasn't.

Let us know how it goes.


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## 24601 (Jul 4, 2005)

Well we have put in a few rides now. The first one went horribly as she said the saddle hurt (it was a Specialized body geometry for women). She wanted a big cushioned pillow top saddle, and that is what she now has. I know all the reasons why she shouldn't be using it and tried to explain them to her, but her response was "if it doesn't feel good when I first sit down then I am not riding." I will just keep my mouth shut and let her make the next decision on her own. The bike shop did offer for us to come up and switch out different saddles to find one she really likes. The one on there is forever old and came off an old frame I bought.

The rides have been better since. She does the sprint-coast-repeat thing, but I am trying to get her out of that. The main point here is to continue the physical therapy on her knees, so I try to explain that a semi-constant spin is better than an occasional mash. She is trying on this. Once she yelled at me to go faster, which I was suprised of. We still aren't going more than a few miles. Right now all she will wear is regular spandex shorts with basketball shorts over them. I guess that's at least in the right direction.

We are keeping at it, and I hope we can spend more time doing this. I am insisting on twice a week right now for her knee.


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## litespeedchick (Sep 9, 2003)

Great! Glad she's at least been on the bike now. You are right, you can only do your best about the saddle and the shorts, if you harp on it you will get on her nerves (although I'd love for her to wear cycling shorts w/ basketball shorts over them).

Are you positive she understands the gears? If not, it could explain the sprint/coast thing...or else she's just a natural mountain biker. I tend to mash gears and then coast on downhills 'cause that's how I ride my mtb. Again though, don't harrass her.

Try to have fun and forget about how many miles you ride, physical therapy, etc. Bikes are fun. I was in my mid-late 20's when I got my first bike since childhood. I was an aerobics chick, but already starting to get accountant-butt. I'm 42 now and in WAY better shape and thinner than I was then. If I had not found a sport that was FUN I guarantee I would be a different person now. 

I love the bike and streamers, please keep us posted on your wife's progress.


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## nonsleepingjon (Oct 18, 2002)

24601 said:


> Well we have put in a few rides now. The first one went horribly as she said the saddle hurt (it was a Specialized body geometry for women). She wanted a big cushioned pillow top saddle, and that is what she now has. I know all the reasons why she shouldn't be using it and tried to explain them to her, but her response was "if it doesn't feel good when I first sit down then I am not riding." I will just keep my mouth shut and let her make the next decision on her own. The bike shop did offer for us to come up and switch out different saddles to find one she really likes. The one on there is forever old and came off an old frame I bought.
> 
> The rides have been better since. She does the sprint-coast-repeat thing, but I am trying to get her out of that. The main point here is to continue the physical therapy on her knees, so I try to explain that a semi-constant spin is better than an occasional mash. She is trying on this. Once she yelled at me to go faster, which I was suprised of. We still aren't going more than a few miles. Right now all she will wear is regular spandex shorts with basketball shorts over them. I guess that's at least in the right direction.
> 
> We are keeping at it, and I hope we can spend more time doing this. I am insisting on twice a week right now for her knee.



I am trying to get my gf more in to biking as well, so here are some things I've learned along the way, YMMV etc.

Probably most important is let her progress at her own pace. Get her involved, focus on making it fun quality time together instead of a workout, and if she is excited about it she'll start asking for advice. Then you can teach her about spinning and technique.

That ties in to all the other things. If she likes a big goofy saddle, that's just fine. If she's comfortable on it and it gets her on the bike, that's what counts. Also, check the level of her saddle: my gf is most comfortable with a serious nose-down tilt because even though it puts pressure on her arms, it takes pressure off her other contact points. If she wants to wear "non-cycling" clothes, that's fine too as long as it won't cause problems (like a seam in the crotch or baggy legs that will get caught in the gears). Heck, live it up with costumes and see who's attire gets the most laughs from other people. Nothing like seeing two pirates cycling down the MUT...

As for difference in riding abilities, I will usually do a long or intense ride first, then swing back by the apartment for my woman and we'll do a few miles together. It's a great cool down for me and by then I'm worn out enough that I'm comfortable riding at her pace. You are on the right track taking out your single speed. You can also switch to a mountain bike with knobbies, or carry a backpack with extra weight, etc. Don't do it to show off, just do it in a way that you ride at the same pace. 

Really, just keep in mind why you are riding and why you want her to ride: for health and for happiness. I am proud of my woman every time she gets on the bike and tell her so. I just wish we had more time in our busy schedules to ride together.

Keep us updated on the progress!


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## madelaine (Mar 13, 2007)

What worked for me.
Found out my health wasn't so good and I saw that my DH was getting more slender and more strong. I also found out if I wanted to hang out with him, I'd better start riding.
Bike dates; going to a local movie theater. going to dinner. even going to supermarket
is fun esp. if DH carries everything!

What doesn't work for me (But seems like you have all these bases covered)
being left behind
being left behind and then later being told "everytime I slowed down you slowed down more" (yeah, bucko, it's because i was tired)

Don't worry about the saddle! If she likes it, let her ride on it!!! She's probably got enough other body parts unhappy about riding. if the fat saddle keeps her on the bike, ignore it for now.
Good luck
you sound like a nice guy


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## madelaine (Mar 13, 2007)

I just thought about one other thing! tell her about team estrogen's women-only forum!
she'd find a whole flock of women who have her problems, some at her level, and some who have become great riders, racers, randonneurs, etc.

http://www.teamestrogen.com


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## aliensporebomb (Jul 2, 2002)

My wife had some of the same problems.....she was probably >100 pounds 
overweight due to a number of things - we tried a regular hybrid bike with the 
cushy saddle to no avail. Knee pain, butt pain, you name it.

I resigned myself to the fact that she probably wasn't going to be a cyclist.

Until:
She tried a recumbent bike. She immediately took to it like a duck to water. 
The seat comfort factor was no longer an issue and it seemed very well suited
for someone like her - and she did want to ride.

I realized that the cash was significant but she really liked it and if she was 
going to use it, it was money well spent.

After 1600 miles on the recumbent and dropping 150 pounds she could not only
ride an upright bike again but was eager to. We got her a mountain bike last 
summer and now she wants to get a roadie so she can go on the longer rides
that I do because now that she's tried one she's addicted to the speed.

Hold out hope - she just has to find something that works for her that's fun - in
her case - in my wifes case, it was a recumbent. In your wifes case, if her 
big bulky seat works for her then maybe that's what she needs. Give it a shot.


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## madelaine (Mar 13, 2007)

what an awesome story! thanks for sharing! she lost 150 pounds! that's more than I weigh!


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## orbit (Feb 7, 2007)

Good on your wife aliensporebomb, thats a fantastic achievement.


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