# How NOT to Make Friends On a Group Ride



## brianmcg (Oct 12, 2002)

So, you are a new roadie. Maybe a friend let you have is old road bike, your a mtn biker wanting to do something new, or maybe a significan other has exposed you to the sport. You have gotten over the spandex and pedal thing and now you no longer look out your front window hoping the cute co-eds renting the house across the street are not outside to see you leaving on your ride.

You have been riding for a few months or more, lost a few pounds, and in general feel pretty good. Now its time for the time honored tradition of joining your first group ride. The following is a list of some great things to do in order to completely alienate yourself from all of the other group members and to never have another roadie as a friend. By no mean is this list complete, so feel free to add to it.

1. When heading out of the parking lot and everyone is just warmin up, sprint ahead of everyone up the very gentle rise and then for the rest of the ride boast about how you "dropped" everyone on that climb.

2. Start a debate on why shimano is better than campy. Use lots of profanity.

3. Talk about how light your helmet is and how much faster you are because of it. Know the weights of all your components.

4. Holding your line is for dorks, rubbin is racin.

5. Drop your water bottles..a lot.

6. When taking a pull vary your speed up and down at least 5mph. Tell everyone your doing intervals.

7. While in a pace line brake suddenly for no reason. Tell everyone you were just thinking of something funny.

8. Never point out large pot holes or cracks in the road.

9. Whenever you are pulling up the rear and there are no cars anywhere, keep yelling "CAR BACK" followed by giggling and a "PSYCH".

10. Make lots of U turns for no reason.

11. Never bring any tools or extra tubes or food or water, just bum off everyone else.

12. Don't ever shower at least a few days before the ride. What would be the point you are going to get sweaty anyway right.

13. Fart a lot.

14. Call the more experienced and faster riders "Fred" because they like Brooks saddles.

15. Talk about Lance Armstrong A LOT. Talk about how awesome he is. If anyone brings up another rider you don't know, such as Eddy Merckx, just say "He couldn't hold Lance's jock". Use lots of profanity.

16. If there are any women in your group point out how your new shorts really shows off your bulge. 

17. Hit on all the women, even the married ones. Use lots of profanity.
17.5 Whenver you fall in line behind a woman say loudly "Oh, yeah, thats nice"

18. Everyone loves talking about politics when riding their bike. Make sure to brush up on the latest happenings in D.C. and debate them with the guy/gal of the opposite party. Use lots of profanity, and when all else fails call him/her a NAZI.

19. Talk about how much your bike costs, but its no big deal because you make $xxx,xxx a year. Make sure everyone knows how much you spent, you may need to remind everyone for at least 6 months. Then start talking about your new bike you are going to buy when the new model comes out. Always remember the $$$.

20. When someone gets a new bike of a different model than you own, talk about how much you don't like those and they suck. Remember profanity.

21. If you are very religious try to get everyone to start coming to your church. If you are an atheist, talk about how stupid religious people are. Make sure to include these conversations at every ride. Its very important that everyone think just like you. Either could use lots of profanity.

22. Try to get everyone selling AMWAY for you. Keep inviting them to recruiting meetings, don't take no for an answer.

23. Talk about every Porno movie you ever saw. Be very graphic and detailed. Make sure all of the women can hear, they are just pretending to be offended.

24. Always show up late.

25. Whenever you get beat up a climb, just say you were trying to stay in Zone 4 (or is it Zone 1) and build you base. Don't mind that you have been base building for 27 months.

26. Talk about how great you were at other sports and that in no time at all you will be going pro. 
26.5 Talk about how great you are at everything else. People love hearing about winners.

27. Start a debate on why Cycling is not a sport.

28. Try to get everyone to start using the sidewalk because "the road is for cars".

29. Everyone loves to play "Avoid the Snot Rockets".

30. Smoke


:thumbsup: If you follow these tips you will be well on your way to never having to worry about going on a group ride again. The sad part is I am not nearly this clever to make this stuff up, If I were, I wouldn't be doing what I am doint now, regardless of how awesome I am.


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## Ridgetop (Mar 1, 2005)

Hey, the farting gets me up the hill faster .


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## MikeBiker (Mar 9, 2003)

I've been building my base level for years now. SRAM is much better than the #$%@$& Shimano or Campy systems.


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## cptab (Sep 12, 2002)

Made my day. Perfect, esp. the part about the helmet.


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## IAmCosmo (Jul 26, 2005)

> 16. If there are any women in your group point out how your new shorts really shows off your bulge.


Sadly, everyone would know I was lying....


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## MR_GRUMPY (Aug 21, 2002)

Make sure you wear your most "worn out" shorts on group rides.( you know, that ones that are so thin, you can see through them). Other people will love to ride behind you ('specially the wimmins')


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## Keeping up with Junior (Feb 27, 2003)

*Change*

Grab a handful of change out of your car and throw it in your saddlebag. That way every bump with make a little jingle so everyone knows where you are in the pace line. If you can get just one cleat to squeek every pedal rotation that would be great too.


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## MCF (Oct 12, 2006)

*OK....I apologize for hijacking...*

but what are some good rules of thumb for first group ride? I am actually riding alone now building up my base. Probably won't do a real group ride for a couple months as I am overseas. There is a nice lbs down the street from my home in Houston and I have ridden by it a number of times on my way to the park as the group rides are gathering, but it seems real stressful to just stop in and say, "can I ride"...especially since I am pretty shy in the 'real world' (which at times does get taken as snobbery).....


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## MikeBiker (Mar 9, 2003)

MCF said:


> but what are some good rules of thumb for first group ride? I am actually riding alone now building up my base. Probably won't do a real group ride for a couple months as I am overseas. There is a nice lbs down the street from my home in Houston and I have ridden by it a number of times on my way to the park as the group rides are gathering, but it seems real stressful to just stop in and say, "can I ride"...especially since I am pretty shy in the 'real world' (which at times does get taken as snobbery).....


Stop by the shop and ask about the ride. I'm sure they will invite you along. (OK, some shop rides are testosterone-fuels racdes, but most are recreational). 

On any group ride, just "don't be a jerk" is the main rule.


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## j__h (Jun 16, 2006)

31. Never point out any obstacles, the guy following should have seen it.

32. When someone says' 'Car back' immediately slam on your brakes and move to the right without checking to see if anyone is behind you.

33. Pass people on the right without announcing you're there.

Good rules of thumb are, don't be a jerk/be considerate and cordial of other riders, don't think you're in a race, pass on the left, when in doubt maintain your line, check to see what the pace/mileage is going to before you join.


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## bikeboy389 (May 4, 2004)

MikeBiker said:


> Stop by the shop and ask about the ride. I'm sure they will invite you along. (OK, some shop rides are testosterone-fuels racdes, but most are recreational).
> 
> On any group ride, just "don't be a jerk" is the main rule.


I agree that one of the main goals in a group ride (especially for a noob) is not to be a jerk. The trouble is, most noobs don't know what actually constitutes jerk behavior, so they can't help transgressing. Let's face it, some of what concerns cyclists in groups would never occur to someone used to solo riding. For example, I got a flat on a group ride a couple of years ago. I was in the middle of the pack, and hadn't actually ever seen that happen before, so I didn't know what to do, even though I've been riding in groups regularly for a couple of years (and did it some in college, but that was way back when we were riding a single stone wheel with a wooden axle). Turns out, if you have a problem that causes you to slow up suddenly, you put a hand up. But I didn't know--and don't know how I could have ever figured that out on my own.

But if it's all you've got, not being a jerk will get you a long way, and will lessen the yelling when you do make a bonehead move.


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## JayTee (Feb 3, 2004)

Good one Brian. I think it deserves a stickie!


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## brianmcg (Oct 12, 2002)

JayTee said:


> Good one Brian. I think it deserves a stickie!


. Thanks.

I think it would be good for everyone to keep adding to the list.




Keeping up with Junior said:


> Grab a handful of change out of your car and throw it in your saddlebag. That way every bump with make a little jingle so everyone knows where you are in the pace line. If you can get just one cleat to squeek every pedal rotation that would be great too.


LOL. Loose allen wrenches in the saddle bag work well here too.


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## Keeping up with Junior (Feb 27, 2003)

*Ashtray*



brianmcg said:


> ...LOL. Loose allen wrenches in the saddle bag work well here too.


You keep loose allen wrenches in your ashtray? Metric or standard?

##) When leading and there is a crosswind from the left only ride two feet from the edge of the road thus guttering nearly everyone in the line (including your teamates). 

##) Loudly call out every shadow, leaf and dimple in the road so that when some big pothole comes up people simply ignore the rider who cried _wolf_ and plow right into it.


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## Trevor Ash (May 19, 2005)

34. Be sure to just blow every stop sign or red light at intersections without regard to anyone's safety but your own. This way you can split up the pack properly and with a little luck take out some of your buddies with a pesky car. Two packs are always better than one right?


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## Kestreljr (Jan 10, 2007)

brianmcg said:


> 23. Talk about every Porno movie you ever saw. Be very graphic and detailed. Make sure all of the women can hear, they are just pretending to be offended.


lol... These are great! Although I must confess that in college #23 was a staple conversation for many rides. "gotcha in the eye" 

#33. Try to spray your water bottle like a hose into your mouth, only catching 25% and thus leaving 75% for the guy behind you. Do this every mile to 1.5 miles.

#34. After you are the last man to the top of the hill, go balls-to-the-wall and smoke everyone on the decent, then talk about how you kicked everybody's butt for the next 10 miles. 

#35. Like previously stated, if anyone has a cheaper bike then you talk about how awesome yours is. 
#35.5 If anyone has a nicer bike then you, make sure to let them know that you are just riding your trainer, and your Dream Machine is at home.
________
Marijuana


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## RSPDiver (Jun 3, 2006)

#36 Always pass in the middle of two-abreast riders during a descent, and of course announce nothing.

#37 When you finally arrive at the stop sign, light, or cross-roads where everyone is waiting for you, loudly proclaim "Well, so much for staying aerobic!" And, of course, use profanity.
#37.5 After arriving at the stopping point where the group is wating for you, ride to the front and proclaim that you are going to set the pace for a few miles.

And thanks, this thread almost made me spit beer out my nose! Good stuff.


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## AidanM (Aug 11, 2006)

hahah gold, sometimes the potholes come up to fast for me to point them out though.


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## Oldteen (Sep 7, 2005)

One I have witnessed -from the heartland of auto racing:

#38- Swerve from side to side at the start. Claim you are warming up your tires.


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## uzziefly (Jul 15, 2006)

#39 NEVER hold your line. 

#40 Wear the mailot jaune and expect others to be your domestiques.

#41 Say : You all suck.


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## de.abeja (Aug 27, 2006)

#42. In case it wasn't addressed enough in the first post, use profanity a lot. If for some reason that does not create the desired effect include references to mothers AND profanity maybe porn movies too.


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## Kestreljr (Jan 10, 2007)

uzziefly#40 Wear the mailot jaune and expect others to be your domestiques.
[/QUOTE said:


> This one is great! I know this dingleberry, weekend-warrior type guy, he has a 30 pound gut that he can barely squeeze his damn yellow jersey over. He shows up, stays with us for the first 15 miles, yet he soooo has this exact attitude---- it drives me crazy


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## dwwheels (Feb 28, 2007)

#43. Ride up next to another rider and put your used clif bar or goo wrappers in their jersey pockets. You don't want to litter or use your pockets for trash.


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## oneofdabuoys (Feb 13, 2007)

bad news i pooed my pants a bit while reading this thread...GOOD WORK!


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## uzziefly (Jul 15, 2006)

Kestreljr said:


> uzziefly#40 Wear the mailot jaune and expect others to be your domestiques.
> [/QUOTE said:
> 
> 
> ...


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## New_World_Man (Feb 12, 2007)

> 13. Fart a lot.


Wait a minute. So if I wake up with bad gas I should rethink joining the days ride? I think thats prejudice, there should be separate groups for those people, they are going to naturally ride faster anyway.


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## brianmcg (Oct 12, 2002)

New_World_Man said:


> Wait a minute. So if I wake up with bad gas I should rethink joining the days ride? I think thats prejudice, there should be separate groups for those people, they are going to naturally ride faster anyway.


 
Just do it at the back of the paceline. :thumbsup:


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## RSPDiver (Jun 3, 2006)

#44 At the first intersection stop, say your tires feel "squishy" and say you need to pump up your tires before going on. Try to get the entire group to test them to confirm, and of course ask for someone's CO2 - which you will need extensive training on.


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## uzziefly (Jul 15, 2006)

dwwheels said:


> #43. Ride up next to another rider and put your used clif bar or goo wrappers in their jersey pockets. You don't want to litter or use your pockets for trash.



Now thaaat's a good one. Good one to get smacked in the head.


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## fleck (Mar 25, 2005)

- curse your head off at every car that comes within 4' of the riders. And every car that hits the gas as they go by. Sprint to try to catch them while waving your frame pump.

- on the uphills find a rider who is having a tough time. Tell him to "man up" then slingshot yourself uphill by pulling him back by the jersery. 
(don't hold me responsible for the forth coming frame pump on it's way up your poop shoot)

- throw your hands up at every hill top (use the previous method to attack first)

- on the uphill give their rear brake lever a squeeze. (This one could end in blows) I do it with some of my MTB friends all the time. But use caution.

-never ever lube your chain. other riders like to know where you are based on the high pitched metal screaching of a dry chain.

- don't echlon properly. Gutter em.


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## uzziefly (Jul 15, 2006)

dfleck said:


> - curse your head off at every car that comes within 4' of the riders. And every car that hits the gas as they go by. Sprint to try to catch them while waving your frame pump.
> 
> - on the uphills find a rider who is having a tough time. Tell him to "man up" then slingshot yourself uphill by pulling him back by the jersery.
> (don't hold me responsible for the forth coming frame pump on it's way up your poop shoot)
> ...



Now, why'd you wanna do that? :idea:


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## Town Drunk (Jan 15, 2007)

Im still laughing about #38 Swerving back and forth to warm up the tires!


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## uzziefly (Jul 15, 2006)

Town Drunk said:


> Im still laughing about #38 Swerving back and forth to warm up the tires!


This ain't formula 1 though.


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## goldsbar (Apr 24, 2002)

*When at the front of the group, spit up into the air and blow snot out of you nose at every chance

*When the guy in front of you is purposefully going slow on a climb so you can keep up, blow by him as fast as possible as soon as the road turns flat

*When the same guy catches your wheel, blow up and/or slow down dramatically and/or return to wheel sucking (am I the only one this happens to?)


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## Oldteen (Sep 7, 2005)

dfleck said:


> - throw your hands up at every hill top


Must confess- I resembled that remark.....

I was a real Midwest road newbie on one of my first long group rides. I had no sense of pace. Started up the first significant-looking hill (perhaps 8-10%, less than half mile). No sweat. At the first rise I got frustrated by "slower riders" and sprinted around. Felt good- at first. Funny, this hill is longer than it looked. Whoa, this hill is steeper than it looked. Damn, my legs are burning. Quads are busting. Holy crap, I might not make it. Fought off the urge to stop and walk just long enough to crest the hill- and- you guessed it.....lifted my arms in relief over my pathetic triumph on this insignificant terrain feature. I was caught and suffered Giro Justice being spit out the back to ride alone pondering my misdeed.

Ignorance is no excuse for sins against the Peloton.


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## gatordoug (Apr 28, 2006)

#44 Show up for a ride right on time...but "I just need to make a few adjustments", such as:
A. Patch a tube
B. Change a tire
C. repack/lube/grease something
D. Mix your super-duper energy drink from powder in the parking lot

and don't bother showing up with tools, just borrow someone else's.


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## uzziefly (Jul 15, 2006)

Push the guy beside you off the bike


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## JoeDaddio (Sep 3, 2005)

Is kicking over people on recumbents still proper etiquette?



joe


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## uzziefly (Jul 15, 2006)

JoeDaddio said:


> Is kicking over people on recumbents still proper etiquette?
> 
> 
> 
> joe



No.. You gotta spit towards them and blow yer nose and THEN kick them nowadays.


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