# Best cycling jokes



## faircdl (Aug 4, 2004)

Post your favorite cycling jokes. I did a search but couldn't find a thread like this. I think it's long overdue. Here's my favorite (I think I may have read on this site):

On Saturday morning, a roadie gets up early, as he has
for so many Saturday morning rides, and softly slips
out of the bedroom.

He dresses quietly in the next room, grabs his helmet
and water bottles, and goes out to pump the tires. As
the garage door opens, he's confronted by an icy,
windswept rain.

He's ridden before in these conditions. He doesn't like
it, but when it's Saturday morning he never misses. He
ponders the dismal conditions and then retreats to the
kitchen to tune a small TV to the Weather Channel.

The forecast only sounds worse. This is one Saturday
when he just can't summon the determination.

With a sigh, he slips off his shoes, quietly returns to
the bedroom, undresses and slips back into bed.

There he cuddles up to his wife's back and whispers,
"The weather out there is terrible."

To which she sleepily replies, "Can you believe my
husband went riding in that crap?"


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## Reynolds531 (Nov 8, 2002)

*The Cannibal*

A Cat 5 racer is training in the mountains, trying to hit 100 kilometers/hr in descent. He loses control of his bike and slams into a boulder. As he is dying he sees a bright light and hears a voice telling him to ride into the brigthness. An angel greets him and gives him a tour of heaven. The angel takes him to a great golden velodrome. The Cat 5 racer sees a cyclist finishing the last minutes of a new 1 hour record. He asks the angel "Is that Eddy Merckx?" the angel replies, "No, it's God. he just thinks he's Eddy Merckx."


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## 53T (Jul 20, 2002)

*Ha Ha*

Two novice nuns are pedalling across town to attend Mass in the North of Amsterdam. Sister Mary is leading and signals a right turn down a narrow older street. Sister Elizabeth follows, pulls up even and asks,
"Is this the right way?" Sister Mary assures her this is a shorter route. Sister Elizabeth tells her,
"I've never come this way before." Sister Mary blushes and smiles,
"Yes, it's the cobblestones"

(Read this twice if you have to.)


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## Keeping up with Junior (Feb 27, 2003)

*Top Ten*

The Top Ten Things Sex and Cycling
Have in Common:

1. Good legs help
2. You can do it alone but it's more fun with your friends
3. Sometimes you skin your knees
4. Most people spend more time talking about it than actually doing it
5. Chains, velcro, lycra, rubber, leather (chamois) ...
6. You have to keep pumping to get anywhere
7. You never really forget how
8. With practice you can ride for hours without getting off
9. It embarrassing to fall off
10. It feels good to change positions once in a while

Update for 21st Century:
11. There are lots of internet sites for both and you can even discuss it with others on various forums.


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## pmf (Feb 23, 2004)

Not cycling related, but ....

There are three guys, an Irishman, a Greek and a Jew waiting to get into heaven. God appears and says "guys, I'm going to give you all a second chance. But if you go back to the questionable practices that got you here in the first place, back you'll come"

So they find themselves walking down the street of a large city. After a couple of blocks, they pass a pub. The Irishman stops, stares, walks back and forth and then saunters in. BOOP! He disappears. Wow, think the other two. We really need to be careful. So another block down, the Jewish guy spots a quarter in the gutter sticking out of a pile of trash. Flies are buzzing around, it stinks, but he can't help it. He bends down to pick up the quarter and BOOP! The Greek guy disappears.


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## Tig (Feb 9, 2004)

*One from here*

I forgot who posted this one:

*What do you call a Cat 2 racer who just broke up with his girlfriend?
Homeless!*


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## theBreeze (Jan 7, 2002)

*I may have seen this one here, but...*

I really like it. It works on more than one level. 

A graduate engineering student is riding across campus and stops to say hi to a fellow engineering student. "Check out the great new bike I got."

The other student says "It's really nice. Where did you get it?"

"It was the oddest thing. This beautiful woman rode it up to me. She got off, took off all her clothes and said 'Take whatever you want.'"

"Good choice," says the friend. "The clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."


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## HOOKEM (Apr 4, 2004)

*Remotely Cycling Related*

OK, so You're walking across the Great Lakes, and the engine falls off your _bicycle_.
How many porcupines can you then stuff into a bucket?
None
Because rabbits don't fly.


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## bmateo (Mar 13, 2003)

53T said:


> (Read this twice if you have to.)


Good advice, funny joke (at least the second time....)


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## jakerson (Jun 15, 2004)

HOOKEM said:


> OK, so You're walking across the Great Lakes, and the engine falls off your _bicycle_.
> How many porcupines can you then stuff into a bucket?
> None
> Because rabbits don't fly.



This would be better in a Christopher Walken voice... like this classic:

(In my best Christopher Walken voice)
_*Frankenstein never scared me
But Marsupials do...
Cause they're fast*_

Or
_*I got a fever
and the only cure
is more cowbell!*_


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## Andy M-S (Feb 3, 2004)

*Twofer*

An experienced tandem captain takes a newby friend out for a ride. He sets up the bike for him, explains the drag brake, how to climb without standing, etc. They're having a blast, and the captain is pleased with the stoker's strength--until they hit the first big hill. 

At the top of particularly steep ascent, the captain, now sweating bullets, yells back to to his stoker: "Man, I must be out of shape! That hill has _never _ seemed that hard before!"

And the stoker shakily replies: "Yeah...I think we would've slid right back down if I hadn't had the brake on the whole way."


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## Kerry Irons (Feb 25, 2002)

*Not cycling jokes*

A woman walks into a bar and asks the barman for a double entendre, so he gives her one.

A rabbi, a priest, and a minister walk into a bar. The barman says "What is this, a joke?"


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## firstrax (Nov 13, 2001)

Reworked political joke.

Lance Armstrong, Eddie Merckx and Greg Lemond are flying to a Tour De France winners banquet when the plane has engine trouble and crash lands in the ocean. All three a killed and find themselves standing before God. God points to lance and asks "whats your name"? Lance replies "Lance Armstrong, 6 time winner of the Tour De France". "Wonderful", says God "come and sit on my left". Pointing at Eddie God asks the same Question. "Eddie Merckx, 5 time winner of the Tour De France". God replies "Great, come and sit on my right". Now pointing at Greg "And you". To which Greg Replies "Greg Lemond and I believe your in my seat".


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## pedalAZ (Jan 1, 1970)

*What Cyclists Say and What They Mean*

I think I might have a flat tire
(Slow down, will ya?)

I definitely have a flat tire
(Help me change it)

I don't have a low enough gear
(I've gained 5 pounds)

I've decided to buy a lighter bike
(I've gained 10 pounds)

I'm taking up clog dancing
(I've gained 25 pounds)

I'm carbo loading
(Pass the ice cream)

I'm tapering
(I haven't ridden in 2 months)

If you're a good bike handler, you don't need to wear a helmet
(I'm so stupid a brain injury wouldn't affect me)

She's a hammer
(She's faster than me)

He's a geek
(I'm faster than him)

I bonked
(All I took for a 4-hour ride was a half-empty bottle of month-old OJ and a moldy Twinkie)

If you don't crash, you're not going fast enough, dude!
(I crash a lot)

I don't own a car
(I'm a better person than you)

Why doesn't somebody do something about all these potholes ?
(Why doesn't somebody else do something about all these potholes?)

I do all my own bike maintenance
(When I squeeze the front brake lever, the bike shifts gears)

Thanks for waiting
(Wipe that smug grin off your ugly face)

Hey, did you guys hear about those new 1.8 gram carbon-fiber quick-release skewers with titanium springs?
(I am a very lonely person)

I want to ride my bike to work, but...
(I don't want to ride my bike to work)

He's such a wheelsucker.
(I can't drop him)

She's always half-wheeling me.
(I can't keep up with her)

The town-line sprint is 100 yards beyond the next bend
(The town-line sprint is 200 yards beyond the next bend)

Been riding much?
(How fit are you ?)

Not much. You?
(My anaerobic threshold is 250 and my resting pulse is 14)

Nah, I've been really busy.
(My body fat is 2%)

Well, let's take it easy today.
(Ready, set go!)

Hold on, there's something wrong with my bike.
(Let's stop so I can rest)

My tires suck!
(This climb is killing me!)

It's getting dark.
(I wanna go home)

This bike is a piece of ****!
(I can't ride worth ****)

I think I broke my arm.
(There's a little bruise on my arm and I don't want to ride anymore)

This hill is easy.
(This trail's pretty tough but I'm gonna try and lose you on it)

My bike was acting funny.
(Otherwise I would have whooped your butt!)

He's pretty good.
(I know I'm better than him)

He sucks!
(He's better than me)

That thing's a piece of ****.
(I wish I had one...)


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## bmateo (Mar 13, 2003)

pedalAZ said:


> I think I might have a flat tire
> (Slow down, will ya?)
> 
> I definitely have a flat tire
> ...



...and (describes me anyway)
Carbon Fiber Frames with full Dura Ace groupos are for poseurs.
(I can't afford a Carbon Fiber Frame with full Dura Ace Groupo.....) ;-)


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## Akirasho (Jan 27, 2004)

*Two Girls Were Riding Their Bikes In An Older Part Of Town...*

... when one girl exclaims..

*I've never come this way before*... whereupon the other girl responds ... *it's the cobblestones*...


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## TrailSeer (Aug 25, 2004)

*good*



pedalAZ said:


> I think I might have a flat tire
> (Slow down, will ya?)
> 
> I definitely have a flat tire
> ...



hah hah, good ones


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## freezin_is_the_reason (Feb 5, 2004)

*Add to the list*

Good Climb!
(I gonna puke!)


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