# A little bit of Phil and Paul



## wallaby (Jul 23, 2006)

Now, don't get me wrong - I reckon the guys are a great commentary team (particular compared to some he other sports), and 4-5 hours of guys pedalling in a bunch can get a bit repetetive, but I sometimes reckon I've heard most of it before~~~~~~~~~~~

*Phil*: Well, it’s a beautiful day here in France as the peleton is keeping this breakaway under control. Currently, the four riders in the escape have a 10-minute lead, and I think they have a very good chance of staying away, unless the pack catches them.

*Paul*: I agree Phil – However, I am concerned that if the peleton make up the time gap they will catch them, unless they don’t. Which would be absolutely unbelievable.

Phil: At any rate, this is a beautiful part of France – look at that scenery! Fields, mountains and rivers. Apparently France is the only country in the world that has fields, mountains and rivers. 

Paul: Unbelievable, the rivers around here.

Phil: And now the riders are proceeding through the lovely little town of Scenic Vista, a delightful village at the foot of the Mountains, with a river running through it.

Paul: Surrounded by…..

Phil: Fields.

Paul: Unbelievable. This was actually the little town where in 1743, Eddy Merckx actually rode his bike through the main street and out the other side without actually falling off. Should we tell our viewers who Eddy Merckx was?

Phil: I think it is important to continue to talk to our viewers as if they have zero knowledge of bikes and bike racing, so, boys and girls, Eddy Merckx was a very good rider indeed.

…………………………………….

Phil: And now as they reach the steep part of the climb, it starts to hurt, the big boys put on the power, and the maillot jaune decides to show who’s boss, move forward, and control the race from the front.

Paul: This is what Lance Armstrong used to do, Lance Armstrong used to like to dominate and Lance Armstrong ..... (_burbles on for 5 mins until oxygen deprivation strikes_).

Phil: The yellow jersey is now moving to the back of this leading pack, and, yes, he’s controlling the race from the back.

Paul: This was a favourite Lance Armstrong tactic, and Lance Armstrong would……… (_burble_)

Phil: What’s this, the maillot jaune has moved to the middle of the group! I think, yes, yes he is! He’s controlling the race from the middle! I can’t believe it!

Paul: Lance Armstrong, Lance Armstrong, Lance Armstrong……….

Phil: And out the back, Sprinter ThunderThighs from team NoHope has been dropped! The Tour de France has been blown to pieces here, there is carnage in the peleton, and there are riders strewn all over the Col! I haven’t seen anything like this since yesterday!

Paul: Unbelievable. Oh, look, a river and some fields …..

Phil: This is a beautiful part of France, Paul.

Phil: Now the riders are descending from the top of the mountain, and they are going very fast. This is very dangerous, Paul….

Paul: You’re right Phil, I don’t think our viewers realise just how dangerous it is. They probably do not understand that if you fall off a bike at close to 100 K/Hr, wearing only a small plastic helmet and some skimpy clothes, you can actually hurt yourself.

Phil: Well Paul, I’m getting slightly worried at this point because I still have not seen the obligatory shot of the motorbike speedo, showing how fast they are going, and without that… ahh, there it is. Page 12 of the script, thanks.

Paul: Unbelievable.

Phil: Do you think we should mention that these bikes have very narrow tyres?

Paul: Well they have been using the same tyres for the last two weeks, and our viewers can see them for themselves, so, just to be sure, I think we should. Boys and girls, these riders are on very narrow tyres. 

Phil: Well, I can’t believe how narrow they are, Paul.

Paul: Phil, I should just mention that we have had a report that Lance Armstrong may be watching this stage on television! This is incredible!

Phil: Well, that’s fantastic Paul, I’m sure that, knowing that the guy who they worked their arses off for the last 7 years, and who still owns part of the team, is lying back on the couch, drinking beer, having just returned from some glamorous Hollywood shindig, the Team Discovery boys will be inspired to ride that little bit harder.

Paul: Lance Armstrong, Lance Armstrong, Lance Armstrong……….

………………………………………………………………..

Phil: And now the riders have wound it up fully for the sprint. Quickstep are leading out Tom Boonen, Milram are there for Eric Zabel, this is incredible! I can’t see Robbie McEwen yet…

Paul: This is absolutely unbelievable, Phil, I think there’s going to be a bunch sprint!

Phil: That’s fantastic, and I can’t believe it. And now there’s only 200 metres to go, they’re all over the place, Robbie McEwen’s not there, he’s been washed away……….

Paul: What do you mean, washed away? You always say ‘washed away’. Why don’t you just say ‘He can’t keep up’, but no, Mr Clever Cliché gives us ‘washed away’ …. 

Phil: Shut up Paul, there’s only 50 metres to go, and Thor Hushovd is in front and here comes Tom Boonen, and Alessandro Petacchi is coming on, and Mario Cipollini is flying…

Paul: Phil….

Phil: And Mario Cipollini is going to win it, but here comes Eddie Merckx, and Bernard Hinault, and Miguel Indurain is coming up fast and Marco Pantani is going to win, and at the line, it’s Robbie McEwen! Well, where did he come from? Pops up out of nowhere, and he’s such a little fellow, isn’t he Paul?

Paul: Well have to check the replay to sort that one out Phil.

Phil: You’re right Paul, so on the replay at 200 metres to go, there’s Robbie McEwen with a 3-length lead (Pause)

Phil: At 100 metres to go, there’s Robbie McEwen with a 3-length lead…………

Paul: He’s only a little fellow, isn’t he Phil? Unbelievable. (Pause)

Phil: And at the line, Robbie McEwen wins by 3 lengths. Well, where on earth did he come from, he just pops up right at the death. Such a little fellow, too. Now Paul, any change to the Leading riders classification?

Paul: No.

Phil: King of the Mountains:

Paul: Nothing.

Phil: Green Jersey?

Paul: No.

Phil. Well that is just amazing and fantastic and I can’t believe it. A stage where basically nothing happened. Tomorrow’s stage goes from somewhere pretty to somewhere else pretty, and is mostly flat except for the hilly bits, and I think is a good chance for a breakaway unless the peleton blows up on the climbs and there will probably be a bunch sprint. Who do you think is going to win the race, Paul?

Paul: Are we still broadcasting to America?

Phil: Yes

Paul: Lance Armstrong.

Phil: Fantastic!


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## filtersweep (Feb 4, 2004)

Your first post?

I hope you are in European time zone-- otherwise you just had a long sleepless night.


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## Live Steam (Feb 4, 2004)

I have to say this is very funny and a great first post. Is it your original thoughts or did you get it somewhere? Great parody.


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## slowmo1 (May 2, 2006)

Bravo! I think you nailed it. Maybe it's time for those guys to start announcing other sports, like golf, or tennis.

Maybe you could tell us what that would sound like, Wallaby! (hint, hint)


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## MellowDramatic (Jun 8, 2006)

I laughed. Hard.


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## mikewest (Jun 1, 2004)

Please add 'suitcase of courage' to you next post. Apart from that, this is the funniest post I've ever seen here. Cheers!


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## DeaconBlues (Jan 2, 2003)

That rawked.

:cornut: :cornut: :cornut: :cornut: 


Deek


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## ChilliConCarnage (Jun 1, 2006)

And it isn't Sherwin if every other sentence doesn't begine with "...and let's not forget".


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## innergel (Jun 14, 2002)

Paul: That was an UNBELIEVABLE post by wallaby! He really dug down into his suitcase of courage for that one.

Phil: Word has just rippled through the peloton that Lance Armstrong himself read this post and found it quite humorous. wallye's fingers were really dancing on the keyboard with this one!


I nominate wallaby for the Best First Post award! Genius!


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## All Mountain (Jul 19, 2006)

You're a legend wallaby!:thumbsup:


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## Alpedhuez55 (Jun 29, 2005)

Great, But what about Robbie's _Harry Potter Cloak of Invisibility that he slips off with 250 yards to go. _ You know cloak, the Jersey that makes him look like Credit Agricol rider. I was getting tired of that after the first week.


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## Coolhand (Jul 28, 2002)

You forgot the man crush they have on Cadel Evans.


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## freezin_is_the_reason (Feb 5, 2004)

I was laughing so hard my collarbone hurt. Damn you Wallaby! Great first post.


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## Fogdweller (Mar 26, 2004)

Move over Funknuggets...


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## ttug (May 14, 2004)

*well said*



wallaby said:


> Now, don't get me wrong - I reckon the guys are a great commentary team (particular compared to some he other sports), and 4-5 hours of guys pedalling in a bunch can get a bit repetetive, but I sometimes reckon I've heard most of it before~~~~~~~~~~~
> 
> *Phil*: Well, it’s a beautiful day here in France as the peleton is keeping this breakaway under control. Currently, the four riders in the escape have a 10-minute lead, and I think they have a very good chance of staying away, unless the pack catches them.
> 
> ...


ROTFLMOA


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## scott bdc (Oct 16, 2002)

I believe you forgot "And that (honor, privilege, accomplishment - pick one) belongs to a) 
a certain man by the name of or b) none other than a man by the name of . . . (Lance, Lance Lance)." Hilarious!!!!!!!!


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## spin150 (May 24, 2005)

*How about*

"In which other sport can you get so close to your favorite bike racer"


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## Bryan (Sep 19, 2004)

I wish there were a way I could save these OLN bashing threads so I can whip them out when the no "Why isn't cycling aired on US tv??" whining threads begin.


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## Coolhand (Jul 28, 2002)

Bryan said:


> I wish there were a way I could save these OLN bashing threads so I can whip them out when the no "Why isn't cycling aired on US tv??" whining threads begin.


This isn't "bashing" it's a little light hearted fun with the pronounced tendancies of two well liked announcers who tend to hit a few points a little too frequently. Then again- YOU try announcing a 4 hour stage where an early break goes, then the peloton oh so slowly pulls them back over 2 hours. Now try doing it for three days in a row. 

That said, I get a chuckle every time they start on again about Cadel Evans only to see him fail time and time again. Once they mention him, you can be sure he's coming out of the group 30 seconds later. Its like Madden cover jinx or something.


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## scott bdc (Oct 16, 2002)

Coolhand said:


> This isn't "bashing" it's a little light hearted fun with the pronounced tendancies of two well liked announcers who tend to hit a few points a little too frequently. Then again- YOU try announcing a 4 hour stage where an early break goes, then the peloton oh so slowly pulls them back over 2 hours. Now try doing it for three days in a row.
> 
> That said, I get a chuckle every time they start on again about Cadel Evans only to see him fail time and time again. Once they mention him, you can be sure he's coming out of the group 30 seconds later. Its like Madden cover jinx or something.


Agreed!!!!! We kid because we love!


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## wallaby (Jul 23, 2006)

Shucks, guys, thanks for your kind words. Looks like there is still a lot of material out there that I didn't use! (Personally, I missed not having Jan 'This man climbs on pure power!' Ullrich this year).
For those who think I am a bit disrespectful, well, parody is an old, traditional form of flattery, and as I said before, I reckon the boys are great. They are a significant part of our sport, and (despite what I might have inferred above) their work is very accurate and informed.
Personally, I want to see them do the Ice Skating! " I can't believe how slippery it is out there, Paul!".
Anyway, if you ride with our bunch, and win the sprint to the road sign, it is *mandatory* to stick your hand in the air and give a big 'He's popped up out of nowhere!'. Works every time.


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## hedginator (Jul 17, 2006)

*Well done Wallaby*

As Paul would say, "Wallaby is now paying the price for that huge effort of a few days ago and he's now spending time in purgatory after pushing such a massive gear".


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## FastFred (Aug 12, 2003)

"around about"


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## littlebaba (Feb 1, 2005)

*soooo funny....*

know it's been said, but had to agree with how hilarious this effort was!!! i was dying laughing, definitely helps to read about something different coming out of this year's tdf!!


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## GarbanzoBeanSnafu (Jun 27, 2005)

Coolhand said:


> You forgot the man crush they have on Cadel Evans.



Cadel is surely in all of their wet dreams. Brits and Aussies get along?


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## philq76 (Jul 11, 2005)

*Funny*

Phil and Paul are definitely hilarious and that was a funny post. Someone needs to post a Bob Roll and Al Trautwig script. Oh here it is...

Al: I don't know anything about cycling, I just got over to our mobile studio from the Dakar Rally Race that I was commentating on for OLN. I'd like to point out, that I have had the Saab yellow jersey for 16 days, and I can't even spell peloton.

Bob: This is an incredible stage, have you seen my commercial where I dress up like a women to support Trek's online contest where you can only win a PowerBar. 

Al: Well, Bob it looks as if the yellow jersey is content to hang out in the peloton and I am not sure why.

Bob: Well, if you look at Bobke's guide to the Tour, you will see that I rode up Alpe d'Huez in sneakers yesterday, and I am not sure why they are calling this Primetime Expanded Coverage...

Al: We'll be back after these messages...


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## Blue Sugar (Jun 14, 2005)

Oh dear me that was quite humorous- I laughed very hard indeed! Floyd Lahndis Floyd Lahndis Floyd Lahndis.


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## Kennedy (May 17, 2006)

My favorite were the ubiquitous stories that went something like this:

This {Insert incredible feat of cycling prowess by a young rider} reminds of a time when a certain other young rider came out of the peloton to {describe incredible feat of cycling prowess}. That rider (overcame adversity, a flat tire, abusive boyfriend, etc) to come out of nowhere to lead the peloton and claim his first (yellow jersey, KOTM, sprint, tour stage win). 

And that rider was _____________. Now, it was usually Lance, but I THINK I heard him say Hinault once.


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