# Check out this beast of a bike



## tlg (May 11, 2011)

Look how aero it is. It must be fast. With a name like Machete, you know it's bad a$$.
It's a scant 14kg (30lb).
You can own one for only $665.00. That should leave a little cash on hand for upgrades. 

Machete Visp 51 54 cm 700c 14 Speeds Road Bike Speed Road Bicycle Bicicleta | eBay









An array of cool colors too.


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## Love Commander (Aug 20, 2009)

So aero. Much kickstand. Very pro.


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## Father Guzzi Obrian (Jan 31, 2015)

Damn, I just spent my money on a Domane, maybe I can get the stickers for my Roubaix and my Trek, so they can be so cool too....


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## Winn (Feb 15, 2013)

Love the super aero brake set up. Only sissies ride the hoods, real men are all drops all day


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## JCavilia (Sep 12, 2005)

14 speeds! And look at that giant cassette. And look how they mounted those levers. that's for hard-core riders who always stay in the drops. We don't need no stinking hoods to ride on.

what the heck kind of shifters are those?


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## Winn (Feb 15, 2013)

JCavilia said:


> what the heck kind of shifters are those?


Those are the cheapest shifters money can buy with a Shimano tag for a road bike.


View attachment 305034


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## tlg (May 11, 2011)

JCavilia said:


> 14 speeds! And look at that giant cassette. And look how they mounted those levers. that's for hard-core riders who always stay in the drops. We don't need no stinking hoods to ride on.
> 
> what the heck kind of shifters are those?


If you're strong enough to ride a 14kg bike, you only need 14 speeds.

Shifters are thumb shifters on the handlebar tops. I imagine when you're in a tight aero tuck, you could shift them with your teeth.

New Shimano SL A050 3 2 x 7 Speed Thumb Shifters | eBay


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## ibericb (Oct 28, 2014)

tlg said:


> If you're strong enough to ride a 14kg bike, you only need 14 speeds.


In my youth our bikes weighed more than that, and came with one gear. Shifters (for all 3 speeds) were for sissies who rode "English bikes". I eventually did get an upgrade though, to two speeds with a Bendix Automatic hub.

But at 14 kg and with disc brakes it might make an excellent downhiller.


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## Winn (Feb 15, 2013)

Scary part is that apparently they have sold all but 3 red ones. Get yours fast.


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## aclinjury (Sep 12, 2011)

and it has disc brakes, unlike those low-tech rim brakes eh


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## Keoki (Feb 13, 2012)

Wow, I didn't think there was any bike worse than the GMC Denali 700c. This sucker also weights in at 30 lbs.


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## Winn (Feb 15, 2013)

At least you can get a Denali for less than $200


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## jetdog9 (Jul 12, 2007)

Type :	Road Bike - Racing

41 watchers!

Some parent is going to think they're getting their kid the coolest bike ever, oh dear.

People having fun with it on Amazon (questions and reviews), too:
Amazon.com : VP A01 Red 48 cm, 51 cm, 54 cm 700C 14 Gears Men Road Bike Speed Road Bicycle Mechanical Disc Brakes : Sports & Outdoors


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## Winn (Feb 15, 2013)

jetdog9 said:


> Type : Road Bike - Racing
> 
> 41 watchers!
> 
> ...


Next will be the post "I just got a new Machete, how can I make it faster"


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## ibericb (Oct 28, 2014)

Winn said:


> Next will be the post "I just got a new Machete, how can I make it faster"


If the metric were pounds shaved, it probably could be a weight weenies dream project. It would seem to have a lot of potential.


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## Winn (Feb 15, 2013)

Oh you have to read the reviews, this one is gold "Upon receiving this beast of a bike I immediately went and signed up for a STRAVA account. Next I searched all the local KOMs and decided to go hunting. On my first ride I stole 188 KOMs and got a speeding ticket from the local police department. The ticket is framed and hanging in my garage as a momento of the awesomeness that is the Machete. My second ride was even better, I decided to go race a local criterium. From the first whistle I left the field in my rear view mirror I have mounted on my helmet(safety first). With in 2 laps I had lapped the field. In the process I won 2 primes that consisted of a bag of coffee and an Ontario Series T-Shirt. With the field starring in awe at the awesomeness of my bike I decided that lapping the field once wasn't good enough and did it again. After I won the race, the podium picture had just me on the top step, all the other racers felt unworthy to be in the presence of such an amazing marvel of engineering. After the race one of the podium girls came up to me and offered herself as a reward, which I gladly accepted. I used the $63 first place winnings and took her to dinner, reservations for three of course (me, her, and the Machete). The future seems bright and the possibilities are endless with this bike in your arsenal"


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## OldZaskar (Jul 1, 2009)

Guys, the weight doesn't matter - they're very clear about this: "This bike literally defies all laws pertaining to gravity."


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## Winn (Feb 15, 2013)

Oh ther are hilarious here's the beginning of just one more review. It's subtle but fun

"When this bike first arrived, I got a few of my friends from the gym to help me carry the box from my front porch to the living room"


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## ibericb (Oct 28, 2014)

Winn said:


> Oh ther are hilarious here's the beginning of just one more review. It's subtle but fun
> 
> "When this bike first arrived, I got a few of my friends from the gym to help me carry the box from my front porch to the living room"


I like the one about people shouting about things falling off the bike, or something similar, but being unphased by the shouts.


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## Keoki (Feb 13, 2012)

LOL

"I joined a local cycling club, and they call me "Fred", which is weird because my name isn't Fred. I don't really get the nickname. I've corrected them a bunch, but they still call me Fred. Anyway, I got this bike because I wanted a cool bike like theirs, and boy I'm glad I did! Now they call me "Flyin' Fred", which is way cooler than just plain old "Fred". Buying this bike was well worth the money!"


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## jetdog9 (Jul 12, 2007)

They were actually pretty smart about the brake lever placement. After all, the bike will be stolen by (or given to) a homeless guy who's going to rotate the bars. Ultimately, it will be safer with the levers where they are.


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## robt57 (Jul 23, 2011)

tlg said:


> Shifters are thumb shifters on the handlebar tops. I imagine when you're in a tight aero tuck, you could shift them with your teeth.


Or if you are Pinocchio, you could lie out loud about your FTP then use your nose.


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## country cyclist (Oct 28, 2013)

Gotta have a set of those wheels,being on this bike they have to be fast! Also did some research and the reason the brakes are on the drops is if your were even to attempt riding the hoods on top the G-forces from the awesome speed you'll be able to obtain on this beast would literally suck you off the seat. I think you we may see these in the pro peleton as early as 2016.


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## ziscwg (Apr 19, 2010)

jetdog9 said:


> Type : Road Bike - Racing
> 
> 41 watchers!
> 
> ...


42 now.
I'm looking at he yellow one for the Tierra Bella ride this weekend.


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## tlg (May 11, 2011)

I was showing this to my GF. She said I should get one for when I ride with her. :skep:

Then she said it'd be funny to show up to the next group ride with it.


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## El Scorcho (Dec 14, 2005)

Any bike is better than no bike.


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## PBL450 (Apr 12, 2014)

The weight only matter climbing.

edit: LOL!


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## Winn (Feb 15, 2013)

There's a lot of better bikes out there for $600-$800 though. That thing is way over priced unless that's in pesos


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## azpeterb (Jun 1, 2006)

This thread is full of laugh. Thanks!


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## Mcfarton (May 23, 2014)

This is funny. And i am surprised at how expensive the bike is.


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## PBL450 (Apr 12, 2014)

azpeterb said:


> This thread is full of laugh. Thanks!


Absolutely!!!!!


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## junior1210 (May 2, 2013)

tlg said:


> I was showing this to my GF. She said I should get one for when I ride with her. :skep:
> 
> Then she said it'd be funny to show up to the next group ride with it.


I wish I were a strong enough rider to get away with a bike like that. Imagine showing up to a fast (like 23+ mph avg) hammerfest with one, pull the group for 80% then dropping them in a Merckx-esque breakaway. Then, after the ride, talk about how you bought it to 'upgrade' from the Campy SR equipped NeilPryde you were riding before. The mind boggles.


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## jetdog9 (Jul 12, 2007)

Except if you pedal hard or go fast, it might actually break...


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## wchevron (Sep 14, 2014)

Even Bikes Direct doesn't sell this bike. That should tell you something.


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## love4himies (Jun 12, 2012)

azpeterb said:


> This thread is full of laugh. Thanks!


I'm in tears because I'm laughing so hard.


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## Blue CheeseHead (Jul 14, 2008)

Winn said:


> Scary part is that apparently they have sold all but 3 red ones. Get yours fast.


Yep, red are the fastest.


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## Winn (Feb 15, 2013)

Just in case you guys can't sell a kidney or something to get the Machete there are options They also have the *New High Fashion Man XC-550 EUROBIKE

*









Looks like a nice quality steel frame (high carbon even), with some choice components.

Weight: 16KG (35lb of glorious steel)
Speed: 21 Speeds
Frame: High Density Carbon Steel Frame
Fork: High Density Carbon Steel
Stem: Aluminum Stem
Seat Post: Carbon Steel
Saddle: Professional Mountain Bike Seat

Rim: Double Layers Strong 70H Aluminum Alloy
Hub: Eurobike Quick Release Hub
BB: Waterproof BB
Brake: Integrated Brake System

Spoke:45# Steel 

Looks like a perfect compromise at half the cost and yes those are aluminum rims...

Edit can't believe I forgot the link https://www.ebay.com/itm/New-High-Fashion-Man-XC-550-700C-Road-Bike-21-Speed-Road-Bicycle-Cycling-/181675692099?pt=LH_DefaultDomain_0&hash=item2a4cb71043


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## Winn (Feb 15, 2013)

Machete delux... only $774.25 + $150 shipping (yes it costs more because I'm certain it weighs more


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## Opus51569 (Jul 21, 2009)

I just threw up in my mouth a little... I'll be fine.


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## pittcanna (Oct 2, 2014)

Even worse
Visp RD Machete 14 Speeds 51 54 cm 700c 3 Spokes Road Bike Speed Road Bicycle | eBay


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## Winn (Feb 15, 2013)

pittcanna said:


> Even worse
> Visp RD Machete 14 Speeds 51 54 cm 700c 3 Spokes Road Bike Speed Road Bicycle | eBay



That's the one in my post above. It may be more hideous in the other colors...


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## wchevron (Sep 14, 2014)

Winn said:


> Just in case you guys can't sell a kidney or something to get the Machete there are options They also have the *New High Fashion Man XC-550 EUROBIKE
> 
> 
> *


*The Eurobike should be less because it's not set up as a racing machine like the Machete. The brakes are not on the drops.

I can't believe you can get a carbon framed bike... excuse me, a carbon steel framed bike for this price. Incredible*

I really like the rims on the Machete Delux. They look like they slice through the wind.


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## ziscwg (Apr 19, 2010)

Winn said:


> Machete delux... only $774.25 + $150 shipping (yes it costs more because I'm certain it weighs more


I wish I could borrow one of these and show up to some pretentious group ride.


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## jetdog9 (Jul 12, 2007)

This bike does it all. The red one at least is also a CX bike, and comes with a Specialized crank!

View attachment 305060


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## azpeterb (Jun 1, 2006)

Holy crud, I keep getting ads for the Machete bike when I go on Facebook!! Will the carnage never end???


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## tlg (May 11, 2011)

azpeterb said:


> Holy crud, I keep getting ads for the Machete bike when I go on Facebook!! Will the carnage never end???


They'll go away one you buy one 
Or stop using Facebook.


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## junior1210 (May 2, 2013)

I really wish I were a frame builder specializing in carbon frames. I'd sooooo copy that design into something at a reasonable weight and reproduce the graphics. It'd be worth the work just to screw with people.


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## wchevron (Sep 14, 2014)

I heard Wiggins is going to use the Machete to break the hour record.


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## ibericb (Oct 28, 2014)

wchevron said:


> I heard Wiggins is going to use the Machete to break the hour record.


The hour record of what? Wasted effort? Comic relief?


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## MR_GRUMPY (Aug 21, 2002)

I see that all of these come with those new modern "dick" brakes.


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## junior1210 (May 2, 2013)

wchevron said:


> I heard Wiggins is going to use the Machete to break the hour record.


Not the record, the timer they use for the record. Should work well as a blunt instrument.


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## Winn (Feb 15, 2013)

junior1210 said:


> Not the record, the timer they use for the record. Should work well as a blunt instrument.


Your assuming elite cyclists have the upper body strength to lift that bike. I am skeptical...


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## cooskull (Nov 30, 2013)

MR_GRUMPY said:


> I see that all of these come with those new modern "dick" brakes.


Awesome, you'd have to be well endowed with more than just huge muscles to operate this bike- a manly bike indeed


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## Winn (Feb 15, 2013)

cooskull said:


> Awesome, you'd have to be well endowed with more than just huge muscles to operate this bike- a _*high fashion*_ manly bike indeed


fixed it for you


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## cooskull (Nov 30, 2013)

Enough! Do you realize how much this thread is costing my employer? And people in my surrounding cubes are thinking WTF, that dude has got issues.


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## Winn (Feb 15, 2013)

cooskull said:


> Enough! Do you realize how much this thread is costing my employer? And people in my surrounding cubes are thinking WTF, that dude has got issues.


They probably thought that before this thread...


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## stan01 (Apr 30, 2014)

Consider this my contribution to this thread. For those unable to afford the machete, I present for your cycling pleasure:


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## ziscwg (Apr 19, 2010)

MR_GRUMPY said:


> I see that all of these come with those new modern "dick" brakes.



So, you are saying you don't need disk brakes? 

Does Trek make good disk brakes?


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## junior1210 (May 2, 2013)

cooskull said:


> Awesome, you'd have to be well endowed with more than just huge muscles to operate this bike- a manly bike indeed


Wait, brakes means more than one. If he's got more than one "dick" brake, then he can ride whatever he wants. He'd be that manly.:blush2:


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## SPlKE (Sep 10, 2007)

Winn said:


> Scary part is that apparently they have sold all but 3 red ones. Get yours fast.


Pee Wee Herman bought a bunch of red ones for the new movie he's working on now.


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## SPlKE (Sep 10, 2007)

stan01 said:


> Consider this my contribution to this thread. For those unable to afford the machete, I present for your cycling pleasure:
> 
> 
> View attachment 305078


Nice green Jiant. I ride an orange LaMond myself.


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## jonnyo (Feb 11, 2018)

Thank you EL I have one and it’s very fun to ride, I also work with kid who would love to have one, new to this site but boy oh boy are there some spoiled hypocrite on here, hope I never see them on the road, they are way above me, just ask THEM!


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## Oxtox (Aug 16, 2006)

jonnyo said:


> Thank you EL I have one and it’s very fun to ride, I also work with kid who would love to have one, new to this site but boy oh boy are there some spoiled hypocrite on here, hope I never see them on the road, they are way above me, just ask THEM!


interesting first post...a three-yr old thread dredge and a slam at the membership.

actually, others poster's comments were closer to being hyper-critical than hypocritical.

but, given the low-quality, aesthetically-challenged, and over-priced nature of the Machete, their criticisms weren't really that extreme.


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## tlg (May 11, 2011)

jonnyo said:


> Thank you EL I have one and it’s very fun to ride, I also work with kid who would love to have one, new to this site but boy oh boy are there some spoiled hypocrite on here


Killer first post! Man you showed them. It's been almost 3yrs and they all forgot about this thread.... then whooosh in you sweep in with a zinger.


BTW.... what do you think hypocrite means? Because I do not think that word means what you think it means.


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## jetdog9 (Jul 12, 2007)

Happy for the dredge whatever the reason... when this thread was new and I saw the Amazon reviews I was laughing to the point of tears.


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## SPlKE (Sep 10, 2007)

jetdog9 said:


> Happy for the dredge whatever the reason... when this thread was new and I saw the Amazon reviews I was laughing to the point of tears.


I missed those reviews the first time around.

Now I'm in the process of wasting time & laughing when I should be working.



> I suspect people are a little bit intimidated to see a person riding on a bike called Machete. They are always running behind saying, "Hey, something came off your bike," or some such, trying to shake me up or throw me off my game. But I ain't got time for that.


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## tlg (May 11, 2011)

jetdog9 said:


> Happy for the dredge whatever the reason... when this thread was new and I saw the Amazon reviews I was laughing to the point of tears.


OMG they're still selling in on Amazon.... $559.00 reasonable price too!



> Easy to Carry, Store in Your Car Trunk
> Germany Twitter Cable Mechanical Disc Brake
> Great Choice For Any Man or Wowan With Height From 165cm-183cm (*5feet5inch---6feet3inch*)


WTF is a twitter cable and where can I get one?




> Customer Review
> 5.0 out of 5 stars
> *Made with Dragonsblood!*


For... the... win!


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## SPlKE (Sep 10, 2007)

tlg said:


> OMG they're still selling in on Amazon.... $559.00 reasonable price too!
> 
> WTF is a twitter cable and where can I get one?
> 
> ...


I'm guessing a twitter cable tweets every gear change out to all your followers.


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## No Time Toulouse (Sep 7, 2016)

Oxtox said:


> ...
> 
> but, given the low-quality, aesthetically-challenged, and over-priced nature of the Machete, their criticisms weren't really that extreme.


You know, take away the hideous decals and the laughable sales copy (would anybody REALLY race this thing??), and what you have is just a mediocre, cheap bike that's about $200 overpriced. 

Somehow I think there's some marketing guy in China who just doesn't get it. They probably read those hilariously sarcastic reviews, and think they are compliments.


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## .je (Aug 25, 2012)

stan01 said:


> Consider this my contribution to this thread. For those unable to afford the machete, I present for your cycling pleasure:
> View attachment 305078


Ya know whose bike that is! 









He loves his bikes.


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