# No Free Food, And Other Reasons To Hate The Seagull Century



## Gregory Taylor (Mar 29, 2002)

No Free Food, And Other Reasons To Hate The Seagull Century


SATURDAY, OCTOBER 6, 2007: SEAGULL CENTURY

3:15 AM: Alarm goes off. Out of bed, stumble to kitchen. Jam something into mouth and chew. Continue chewing and trudge downstairs to find bike clothes. Bike clothes located and donned. Finish chewing. Back to kitchen and fill waterbottles with sports drink. Grab tools, shoes, helmet and toss in the car. Start to get behind the wheel and suddenly realize that this is likely my last opportunity for a very long time to use a restroom that has been cleaned sometime in this decade. Go back to house. 

4:07 AM: Todd and I are sitting in our cars, parked in front of JT's house. The plan is to pick up JT, and then meet Big John and New Pete at the shopping center so we can caravan over. Our target is to be in Salisbury in time for a 7:00 AM start. The light is on in JT's kitchen.

4:12 AM: JT emerges from his house.

"Have you guys eaten breakfast yet?"

"Uhhh....yes."

"Oh."

"Go get your bike." 

"How can you guys eat this early? We're gonna have to stop somewhere to get something to eat." 

"....."

"And use a restroom."

"......"

"Do you want some coffee?"

4:14 AM: Todd checks his phone. There is an e-mail from New Pete with a time-stamp of 3:57 AM. Big John is down with an injury and can't make it. He's broken his.....toe. He tries, but he can't get his bike shoes on. Big John has to bail, which means that New Pete needs a ride.

4:20 AM: JT and his bike comfortably ensconced in Todd's car. We caravan over to the shopping center.

4:28 AM: Pick up New Pete at the shopping center. JT announces yet again that he will have to go to the bathroom en route to the ride.

"I'm on a schedule, man. My system is like clockwork. This waking up at 4 AM crap is throwing me off my game, if you catch my meaning." 

6:05 AM: Easton, Maryland. Stop at a Burger King for coffee and, yes, to use the restroom. A couple of cars are in the parking lot, most with bikes on them. JT hops out of Todd's car and trots into the restaurant with a purposeful stride.

"Alright, if we are going to make a 0700 start time, we need to be efficient here - so fan out. We've got some unfriendlies within the perimeter, and that means that we have to lock down the primary assets first if we want to hit our target and make a clean exit. Greg, you've already eaten so you cover the coffee and muffins while I recon the area and secure the crapper. Todd and New Pete, you will neutralize the threat from intruders. Back me up once I'm inserted into the target area to make sure that no one jumps the line for the bathroom. Follow me in one at a time after you hear the flush. One, two, three, and we're out. Got it? Again, the key word is efficiency. Let's move....I'm going in."

"Dude, by the time you're done that restroom will be a toxic waste dump. I'll drink my coffee and wait a bit for the fog to clear before I go in, thankyouverymuch."

As it turns out, one of the other patrons -- another cyclist heading for the Seagull -- did in fact jump the line to use the bathroom while we weren't looking. He paid the ultimate price for his impatience, emerging from the rarefied atmosphere of the JT-befouled men's room with a set of collapsed lungs and a greenish pallor.

6:13 AM JT is out in the parking lot, counting heads and edging back toward the cars. Todd is missing. 

6:15 AM Still no Todd.

6:18 AM Todd emerges from the restaurant.

"Dude, where were you?"

"I had issues."

"...."

"The toilet paper dispenser in the crapper only gives you a square at a time. It took me a while to have enough to, um, work with."

"Surprises like that waste time. Securing the necessary supplies often means that there is no downtime while in the men's room. Multi-task if you have to. I spotted the problem early and used my time efficiently."

"Gee, thank you Mr. Time Management. You should give a seminar."

7:19 AM: Arrive in Salisbury, Maryland. Parking is a mess, as only it can be when 6,000 coffee-hyped road cyclists simultaneously converge on an area containing only 2,000 parking spots. Any pretense at courtesy is completely out the window, as even the cops directing traffic are being dissed as the competition for a prime parking space spins wildly out of control. Maryland cops take no crap, so I expect to see a TASER in use before the morning is out. 

7:25 AM: JT announces that, yet again, he needs to find a restroom, and something to eat. He is ignored.

7:42 AM: We start. The four of us - JT, Todd, New Pete, and Yr. Hmbl. Scribe - are each riding fixed gear road bikes. Todd and JT are riding a 46 x 16 gearing, while New Pete and I are riding 48 x 16 gearing.

7:55 AM: As is tradition at the Seagull, we are surrounded by what can charitably be described as riders of "mixed abilities and experience levels." Because the Seagull is totally flat and pacelines abound, it is relatively easy for even a new rider to keep up an impressive pace. This, however, can (and often does) result in mayhem when a newish rider gets in over their head. The four of us make a pact early on to not let other riders into our little group, and to be discerning in any paceline that we may hook up with.

8:25 AM: Our progress is impeded by a rider we quickly name "The Great Pumpkin": 275 lbs of fat idiot stuffed into a skin-tight orange jersey. We first see him in the middle of a fast paceline, sitting up and riding no hands. Solo he is just as erratic. We try and stay away from him, but he unfortunately he spots us and is intrigued with our fixies. For the next 30 minutes, it seems that no matter what we do he can't grasp the notion that we don't want to ride with him. The only solution - stop and take an unscheduled pee break.

8:55 AM: Oh, we are making lots of friends now. Our group of four is working smoothly, taking 3 minute pulls. Looking back at one point we must have 40 or so riders drafting off of us.

10:00 AM: We meet the Worst Rider Of The Day, a solo guy on a tri-bike with a squeaky chain that I'll call Mr. Weaver. Erratic doesn't begin to capture it. Locked down in his aero tuck, Mr. Weaver nonetheless seems fixated on the prospect of people coming up behind him. So every ten seconds he looks over his shoulder, causing his bike to weave wildly. When a faster group tries to pass him, he pedals harder, throwing in an occasional weave just to spice things up. We roll by, but it seems to be a point of honor with him to stay with us. At one point New Pete yells at him to "Hold your line, a$$hole!" which, ironically, induces the biggest weave yet. 

10:25 AM: We pass the 50 mile mark, and JT wonders where the rest stop is. 

"You said that the rest stop was at 50 miles. I could really use some food and a portajohn."

"Hey, what do I look like? A cue sheet?"

10:42 AM: Good deeds are rewarded. A tandem that had been drafting off of us for a while decides to give us a tow into the rest stop at Assateague island, which is at mile 62. We wind it up and go.

11:04 AM: Back on the road, we decide to take it relatively easy to the next checkpoint, which is the justly-famous pie and ice cream rest stop. The temperature is climbing into the mid-80's and it is getting hot. We run across Mr. Weaver again; he gets the ol' stinkeye from everyone in our group as we roll past. 

12:00 PM: Pie and ice cream stop. It's freakin' hot - about 90 degrees. I contemplate stuffing the ice cream down my shorts to cool off my nether regions. 

12:20 PM: Back on the road. This stretch of the ride always sucks. My legs are cramping, which is hell if you are on a fixed gear and can't coast.

"Stand up...it will help stretch your legs out."

I try it. They cramp harder, nearly causing me to pitch off of my bike.

"Thanks! I feel GREAT." 

1:14 PM: We finish. 

"Let's hit the food. Where are the free munchies? I could use some water."

"Uhhh....I don't see anything that is free. They have beer and a some burgers for sale over there in that tent, but I don't see anything for free."

"Are you telling me that I paid $55 bucks to ride in this atrocity and I don't even get a bottle of water at the end of the ride? What kind of sh%t is that?"

"Apparently, given the number of riders who have signed up, it is a lucrative one."

"I'm going back to the car. This sucks. I can't believe that there isn't any free food at the finish."

And we did go back to the car because, yes, it does kind of suck that you have to buy the food that you eat at the end of a century ride.

2:12 PM: Sitting in a Subway in Easton, Maryland.

"Can you tell me why we signed up for that?"

"Uhhhh...tradition? We do it every year."

"No, really. Think about it; we just paid a lot of money to get up at 3 AM and drive hundreds of miles in order to ride a perfectly flat century through a bunch of chicken farms and they don't even feed you at the end. Do you want your chips?"

"Yes I want my chips." 

"You know what, screw it. No more organized centuries; no more t-shirt rides. We can do better by ourselves."

"Sure, we can invite all our friends to our "YOU WILL AT LEAST GET A F*&KING BOTTLE OF WATER AND BAGEL WHEN YOU FINISH" Century next year. We'll get day old bagels from the dumpster behind the Safeway. THAT will be a good time."

"Still, don't you agree that's the last Seagull that we'll ever do? From now on we'll find something better to do the first weekend in October. Deal?"

"Deal."

"Deal."

"Whatever."

"Deal?"

"Deal."


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## MB1 (Jan 27, 2004)

Ya, sure, right!

The chances of the Lardbutts not riding the Seagull are about the same as them passing up a pastry stop.


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## wooglin (Feb 22, 2002)

Coulda been worse. Coulda been raining.


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## Len J (Jan 28, 2004)

You was in Easton & ya didn't call?!!!!!

LOL, Greg, your write-up is so true.

I've sworn off the seagull and have avoided it for 4 years now.....don't miss it at all.

You captured the spirit of it completely!

len


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## oarsman (Nov 6, 2005)

*no organized rides for me*

I just don't care for mass rides at all. I've tried a few and have just never liked them - food included or not. Maybe it is just my generally anti-social nature, but I much prefer rides with a group of like-minded friends (or just by myself for that matter). I see these rides with hundreds (or thousands) of riders and think, nope, not for me: too crowded, too regimented, too "must get to the end in X number of hours". I am really, really bad at being told where to go and when to turn, I am much happier working it out as I go along.


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## Gregory Taylor (Mar 29, 2002)

Len J said:


> You was in Easton & ya didn't call?!!!!!


It was a tactical decision: I didn't think a call from Yours Truly at 6:15 AM to see if we could use your bathroom would have been appreciated. After the Seagull, we were not fit for company.

I know that this came off a bit grumpy, and the weather was great, but our Gang of Four did swear on a stack of Nashbar catalogs that this was the last Seagull that we do. It has gotten worse each year in terms of boneheaded Fred-tacular (uh oh, I used the F-word) antics. I love riding my bike and being around other people riding their bikes, but the Seagull has finally gotten too dangerous for me. Too many idiots down in their aero bars at 30 mph in the middle of a paceline, and too many people not calling them out for endangering the 20-30 people drafting behind them.


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## Len J (Jan 28, 2004)

*In that case.......*



Gregory Taylor said:


> It was a tactical decision: I didn't think a call from Yours Truly at 6:15 AM to see if we could use your bathroom would have been appreciated. After the Seagull, we were not fit for company.
> 
> I known that this came off a bit grumpy, and the weather was great, but our Gang of Four did swear on a stack of Nashbar catalogs that this was the last Seagull that we do. It has gotten worse each year in terms of boneheaded Fred-tacular (uh oh, I used the F-word) antics. I love riding my bike and being around other people riding their bikes, but the Seagull has finally gotten too dangerous for me. Too many idiots down in their aero bars at 30 mph in the middle of a paceline, and too many people not calling them out for endangering the 20-30 people drafting behind them.


I appreciate it! let me know if you get down this way and want to ride.

I agree with you on the Seagull. It's quite the experience, but I've had enough of the asshattery.

Great writeup BTW.

len


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## nbrennan (Feb 19, 2007)

It sounds like Seagull isn't what your looking for, but I'm sure plenty of people enjoyed it. Seagull is nice in that it makes you feel way faster and far more fit than you actually are. Driving 100s of miles to get there certainly isn't worth it.


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## DrRoebuck (May 10, 2004)

Gregory Taylor said:


> 10:00 AM: We meet the Worst Rider Of The Day, a solo guy on a tri-bike with a squeaky chain that I'll call Mr. Weaver. Erratic doesn't begin to capture it.


   

I do not trust tri-riders. At all. I'll give them the benefit of the doubt that just the presence of aero bars makes their bikes sketchy, but they are consistently the most erratic riders around.

Thanks for the amusing read.

One question: how did you ride and log all these times simultaneously?


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## Qstick333 (Jul 21, 2004)

Sketchy riders - how can that be? I must have seen 200+ members of Team Discovery and 100+ riders of CSC....

Discovery kit was by fat the overwhelming favorite amongst the riders I saw....


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## Becky (Jun 15, 2004)

That write-up was hysterical! Thanks for sharing.


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## JohnnyTooBad (Apr 5, 2004)

Nice write-up! 

On the other hand, I had fun at the Seagull. But yes, I was highly pi$$ed that I had to pay for food. WTF!?!? I should have stuffed a tray of cookies in my jersey at Assateague for when i was done.


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## Gregory Taylor (Mar 29, 2002)

*Time Clock*



DrRoebuck said:


> One question: how did you ride and log all these times simultaneously?


As a Doctor of Journalism, I am granted a certain amount of license when it comes to punctilious adherance to the facts. We are, after all, professionals. While I know EXACTLY how many minutes it was past 4 AM when my buddy JT finally emerged from his abode because we were all staring at our watches and impatiently tapping our feet, and I distinctly remember looking at my watch while I contemplated shoving the glob of vanilla ice cream down my pants, all other times are approximate (i.e. [email protected] guesses based on mileage and pace). All events, however, are 100% true.


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## tarwheel2 (Jul 7, 2005)

Hilarious. Exactly why I try to avoid the large group rides.


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## Keeping up with Junior (Feb 27, 2003)

*Jack of All Trades...*

...Master of None



DrRoebuck said:


> ...I do not trust tri-riders. At all. I'll give them the benefit of the doubt that just the presence of aero bars makes their bikes sketchy, but they are consistently the most erratic riders around...


It is like they train to ride as erratically as they do. First year they had Tri in the Olympics they had riders eating hay bales on a simple, downhill corner. For Christ sake learn to ride a bike.

Great write up, I can imagine being there without having to get up before the sun rose. Been on plenty of those rides with the same participants, Great Pumpkin, Mr. Weaver and my favorite rider Crazy Ivan(*).

(*) _Sean Connery played the roll roll of *Crazy Ivan* in the movie Hunt for Red October, making a sudden turn at the bottom of each hour. Most big TShirt rides will have a Crazy Ivan who will ride for miles smoothly and then every so often just make a sudden swerve. _


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## Gregory Taylor (Mar 29, 2002)

*Whoah...you have done too many of these rides*



Keeping up with Junior said:


> ...and my favorite rider Crazy Ivan.
> 
> [/i]


"Crazy Ivan" did show up at the Seagull this year, although I personally didn't see him (or her). We heard about it at the Assateague Island rest stop -- someone in the slow lane apparently banged a sudden u-turn to go back and pick up a dropped bottle or somesuch and nearly took out a big paceline. It was a true brown pants moment.


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## JohnnyTooBad (Apr 5, 2004)

Gregory Taylor said:


> "Crazy Ivan" did show up at the Seagull this year, although I personally didn't see him (or her). We heard about it at the Assateague Island rest stop -- someone in the slow lane apparently banged a sudden u-turn to go back and pick up a dropped bottle or somesuch and nearly took out a big paceline. It was a true brown pants moment.


I ran into two of those (almost literally). They missed the exit to the first rest stop and pulled a Crazy Ivan right in front of the herd travelling in the high 20s (the exit for the rest stop was on a slight downhill grade). I was 3rd or 4th in line, but noticed the first person make the move as soon as they started to go, and I yelled at the top of my lungs. The first person, as expected, was clueless, but the second person saw us barreling down on them and avoided a crushing blow. When I yelled, it also got the attention of everyone in line and they all split up to avoid the nimrods.


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## FatTireFred (Jan 31, 2005)

"Hold your line, a$$hole!" ...classic

I do very few large rides now... no, I don't need another t-shirt or care to raise $ for whatever disease


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## Jesse D Smith (Jun 11, 2005)

Gregory Taylor said:


> No Free Food, And Other Reasons To Hate The Seagull Century
> 
> 
> SATURDAY, OCTOBER 6, 2007: SEAGULL CENTURY
> ...


Your group should volunteer to work a rest stop or a last-minute registration table at the next Seagull. It would be worth it just for the postmortem writeup.


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## Creakyknees (Sep 21, 2003)

this thread has received the CreakyDredge (tm) seal of approval.


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## MerlinAma (Oct 11, 2005)

Creakyknees said:


> this thread has received the CreakyDredge (tm) seal of approval.


Thanks for reviving a thread that is 3 years, 5 months, 27 days old. Give or take a few hours.


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## Bocephus Jones II (Oct 7, 2004)

MerlinAma said:


> Thanks for reviving a thread that is 3 years, 5 months, 27 days old. Give or take a few hours.


Creaky likes turtles.


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